I was going to write these simple questions in the journal that Marlon and Leesha gave me, but my pen is not working. So I’ll write it in here, and perhaps later ink it in that journal. So here’s my lesson for today:
Will I ever learn to be happy with my life as it is at that very moment? Will I ever stop grasping desperately for the past? Will I ever learn that what’s done is done, what’s gone is gone, and happiness can only be achieved if you take what you have right now and make the absolute most of it?
Coming here, I think, was undoubtedly a mistake. I’m grasping for something that is long gone. Last night, in Quattro, I felt like a ghost. I felt like a spirit come back to his old house, only he’s forgotten that no one who was there when he was there will be there. He’s forgotten that life has moved on in this place and he’s looking for something that ceased to exist years ago.
And so it is with me. I was in Quattro last night and I recognized almost no one. I had such high expectations of last night. When Janusz told me that Benia was so happy to hear I was coming back, I was sure she would be there, along with Mary and even Żaneta. I thought — stupid naïve me — that everyone who saw me who knew me would be surprised and happy, and might even want to talk to me. The reality of last night, though, was much different. I talked to a few people (Marcin J., Anita T., and Monika K.) for quite a while. In fact, I sat with Monika and Anita for probably half an hour or more. But others, whom I thought might be more interested in me (Yes, yes — I’m taking this personally. I’m taking it as if I’m being rejected, when of course that’s not the case.) were rather blasé about it.
Krystyna J. (whom I guess will be in class IVa) talked to me about twenty seconds. She asked me if I was going to be their teacher again; I reluctantly admitted it; she said, “To dobrze,” and that was that.
Kasia K. (from IVb) was there, but she only said, “Hi.” I remember last time I was here, we sat and talked (po polsku) for about half an hour. It was really quite a pleasant chat. I don’t suppose I was expecting the same thing this time, but I was hoping for a little more than a casual “Hello.”
This morning/afternoon thus far has been rough. I’m alone. Mamo is not here; Karol drove off somewhere around noon; Robert, Kamil & co.’s cousin, is somewhere, but I’m not quite sure where. I’ve basically been left to fend for myself and that wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that I don’t feel entirely comfortable snooping around here.
The biggest problem is food. My lunch and breakfast seems to be a bit of chocolate from the Zürich-Warszawa flight and a cup of coffee (black, with the sludge of grounds in the bottom — welcome back to Poland). Nourishing. If there were a shop open, and I felt I could bring myself to go outside (and of course, if it weren’t raining), I might go get something for myself. As it stands now, I sit here, feeling sorry for myself and quite hungry. Yesterday I had a bowl of cabbage soup and some bread at Janusz’s house, and then a couple of butter-slathered, open-faced ham sandwiches just before we left to catch the bus, followed by a crappy hot-dog around two in the morning, just before I left. It looks like yesterday was a feast in comparison.