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“[Not] Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”

Wednesday 19 March 2003

“Knock” in Polish is “pukać,” but you’d never know that the word even exists in the language, for many Poles (around here at least) have a habit of literally walking into your house unannounced. Or they knock once and walk in without waiting.

It can lead to some particularly embarrassing situations, as you might imagine: walking in when someone’s taking a nap, for example.

And it’s not just friends and acquaintances that do this. The first time I was here, a lady going door-to-door selling apples tried to walk in after a single, quiet knock. Fortunately, my door was locked (a habit I quickly acquired), for I was just changing clothes.

And then for some friends, it was difficult to explain why I always knock.

Smalec

Wednesday 5 March 2003

A friend once described mayonnaise as “whipped fat.” That name somehow seems more appropriate for a particular, traditional Polish highlander dish called “smalec,” with the “c” pronounced “ts.” It is, in a word, lard. Seasoned lard, with big chucks of boczek in it (which is basically smoked fat-back — yum). The funny thing about it is that they add something to the lard so it’s not so solid (not like the solid white blob I bought to make tortillas with the other week), and then whip it. Yes, I’ve literally eaten whipped fat, smeared it fresh-baked bread.

It took a moment before I could actually bring myself to eat it, though. I sat there, looking at the piece of bread with the glistening concoction smeared all over it, the blobs of smoked fat sitting like burnt raisins in the whipped fat that looked more like dirty whipped cream, wondering if I could go through with it. Obviously I did, else I wouldn’t be rambling about it.

And — surprise — it was tasty. Tasty in a cholesterolly, carnivorous kind of way, but tasty all the same.

Kinga informed me that she’s had much better, and that I shouldn’t judge all whipped fat on that one experience, but I think I will anyway.

Tired of worrying fat content, always thinking about calories-from-fat percentages and cholesterol levels? Try smalec. No need to worry about fat content here — it’s a nice, round 100%.

But how to make it? Simple. Put some lard and boczekinto a pot and let it simmer all day.

Next, pour the mixture through a sieve and place the now-soft chunks of fat in a ceramic container, careful not to drain entirely the now-clarified fat from the now-soft fat.

Smile as you think of the glistening mixture sliding through your body.

If your curious what the insides of your veins will look like shortly, leave the remaining mixture to cool.

Next day, dig in. Your neighborhood cardiologist will thank you for the business.

So apparently, I was wrong. It’s not whipped fat. It’s just boiled fat.

It’s amazing there are any Poles who, eating like this, live past the age of, say, fourteen.