I’ve been working on my cover letter for my teaching resume. I haven’t written a cover letter in five years or so — it’s rusty, to say the least.

In a cover letter, you’re selling yourself. Hire me! Here’s why!

I’ve felt comfortable being a salesman. I once spent a summer trying to sell cutlery door-to-door. Vacuum cleaners would probably be an easier sale, but certainly knives are easier to sell than encyclopedias or religion.

Selling anything door-to-door is a hassle. It’s an intrusion.

I was a waiter for a few months in 1996. A customer offered me a job selling mobile homes because I’d convinced him to buy a dessert. I twisted his arm and shoved his face into a pile of whipped cream — that’s how I did it. I’m not sure such a tactic would work with mobile homes.

Never did find out if I’d have had to sell the tires to go on the roof as well.

Still, being a waiter is easier than selling religion or vacuums door-to-door. The customer comes to you. The customer says, “Sell me something! Take my money!” Door-to-door means, “Excuse me. I’d like to take up your time now — I know you’re probably busy, but screw that — and sell you something. Why, you’ve probably already got knives, a vacuum, and a faith, but mine’s better.”

Two girls once came to my door to sell me religion. It was in Boston, July 2002, when I’d gone back to spend the summer in the States. I’d been trying unsuccessfully to sell myself, but I couldn’t do it — I was still unemployed. It was hot and humid, and I just didn’t feel like dealing with Mormons at that hour in that heat (the apartment didn’t have air conditioning) and without a second cup of coffee. And really — who could have more coffee when it’s so hot? Sweat dripping off your nose into the French roast isn’t appealing. So I told the girls I wasn’t interested, even though I was. No, I didn’t want to convert, but a game of dogma-chess is always fun. Well, they were Mormons — dogma-tic-tac-toe.

So here I am, trying to sell myself without making it look like I’m trying to sell myself, even though every administrator who reads my cover letter is shopping for a teacher and knows that I’m trying to sell myself.