Out Sick
Reading All-Stars
Today was the Reading All-Stars game for the local minor league team. The Boy qualified — I don’t even remember the parameters — and I got a free ticket as well because several of my students participated. As we watched the game, I realized how little E understands about baseball. That’s not surprising: we never really watch it at home. Still, I found myself explaining things that I feel like I just always knew about baseball. I didn’t watch a lot of it growing up, and I don’t really have any memories of my father teaching me about it (though he must have), but I remember playing baseball with kids in the neighborhood. I was always the worst player, but that must have been how I picked things up.
We stayed through the fifth inning. Our hometown heroes were down 7-1 when we left. I just checked the score: it’s 12-4 in the bottom of the ninth. But no matter: the Boy had fun and is eager to go again.
Digging, Mowing, Sealing
We put the new bed in a year ago — exactly a year ago today.
End of Spring 2018 Soccer

It’s tempting to fall into the obvious reflection: the “so much has changed in a year” cliché. A lot has changed in a year, but the majority of it has changed in the last five months, all starting December 4 with a phone call at around 9:30 in the evening while I was out walking the dog. “Nana is going to the hospital.” And from that moment, it all changed. No one knew just how much it would change, of course. No one has any real clairvoyance in medical emergencies. But here I am, a day past five months after it all started, exactly a year after we put them in, taking out the last vestiges of a garden.
It doesn’t happen often, but every now and then, Saturday work spills into Sunday. We try to keep Sunday as a day for the family, but with the last five months begin what they have, that in itself is a challenge.
Today’s job was simple but critical: deal with the recently created drainage issue at the front corner downspout.

Visions of it seeping through the brick into the now newly created concrete-slab crawl that would offer no outlet at all haunted me, and when the rain woke me at three in the morning, I went to check and found the hack I’d created didn’t work either and set about digging, in a downpour in my underwear and Crocs at three in the morning, a quick trench to direct the water away from the house.

Today, then, was the day to solve the problem once and for all. The first task: dig up the Crepe Myrtle at the corner of the house. That took a couple of hours. Then, the trenching, including a trench under the newly built ramp. Why not do it before they built the ramp? Simply — I didn’t know it would be necessary.
For now, everything is simply laid out and pushed together. I’m far from done and not even sure how I’ll terminate it for effective discharge.
Next, after several hours of digging, I turned my attention back to the yard and the hedges three-quarters trimmed. I’d cut my power cord yesterday and decided to put it off until Sunday — and the torrents of rain that were by then falling didn’t do much to avoid said procrastination.
The Boy for his part was upset and thrilled about it all. Digging is one of his favorite things, and he was disappointed that he missed out on so much of it. Mowing, though, is equally enjoyable for him, and he reached a milestone today: he can now start the mower himself. He ran over the trimmings that remained around the yard, always looking for a reason to turn the mower’s engine off so he could turn it back on.
(The hard rain really did a number on our plants — they’re beaten into submission.)
The final task was indoors: sealing up the entry to the new room. The floor guys are going to be here tomorrow, and the thought of sawdust throughout the kitchen and living room was none too appealing.

Finally, dinner without the girls: leftover soup and a salad. The Boy, being the wonderfully odd eater than he is, was disappointed with the soup (he’s grown tired of all soups, I think) and thrilled about the salad.
Borders, 2013 — Part 1
Random memory from the past, brought about by Lightroom playing…
Living in the south of Poland for several years, I had occasion to cross the border into Slovakia countless times. Theoretically, could have walked out of the teachers’ housing where I lived and walked across the border behind the complex in less than an hour. That would have likely been a bad idea: had I been caught…well, better not to think about it.
The nearest border crossing was down the road in Chyzne. It was a border crossing that looked like something out of a film — gray, concrete, depressing.
By the time I went back to Poland in 2001, it was all but free-passage. Border crossing took only a few minutes as opposed to over an hour if there was a long-enough line.
By the time we were living in the States and visiting only every two years, it had been torn down. All that remained was, well, nothing.
Reread
The sign of a good book is that when you reread it, you notice something new in it — no matter how many times you reread it. My favorite book of all time passes that test easily: I’ve read Absalom, Absalom! at least six times, maybe more, and every time, I catch something new. And with language like this, who cares if you see something new:
From a little after two oclock until almost sundown of the long still hot weary dead September afternoon they sat in what Miss Coldfield still called the office because her father had called it that-a dim hot airless room with the blinds all closed and fastened for forty-three summers because when she was a girl someone had believed that light and moving air carried heat and that dark was always cooler, and which (as the sun shone fuller and fuller on that side of the house) became latticed with yellow slashes full of dust motes which Quentin thought of as being flecks of the dead old dried paint itself blown inward from the scaling blinds as wind might have blown them. There was a wistaria vine blooming for the second time that summer on a wooden trellis before one window, into which sparrows came now and then in random gusts, making a dry vivid dusty sound before going away: and opposite Quentin , Miss Coldfield in the eternal black which she had worn for forty- three years now, whether for sister, father, or nothusband none knew, sitting so bolt upright in the straight hard chair that was so tall for her that her legs hung straight and rigid as if she had iron shinbones and ankles, clear of the floor with that air of impotent and static rage like children’s feet, and talking in that grim haggard amazed voice until at last listening would renege and hearing-sense self-confound and the long-dead object of her impotent yet indomitable frustration would appear, as though by outraged recapitulation evoked, quiet inattentive and harmless, out of the biding and dreamy and victorious dust. Her voice would not cease, it would just vanish. There would be the dim coffin-smelling gloom sweet and oversweet with the twice-bloomed wistaria against the outer wall by the savage quiet September sun impacted distilled and hyperdistilled, into which came now and then the loud cloudy flutter of the sparrows like a flat limber stick whipped by an idle boy, and the rank smell of female old flesh long embattled in virginity while the wan haggard face watched him above the faint triangle of lace at wrists and throat from the too tall chair in which she resembled a crucified child; and the voice not ceasing but vanishing into and then out of the long intervals like a stream, a trickle running from patch to patch of dried sand, and the ghost mused with shadowy docility as if it were the voice which he haunted where a more fortunate one would have had a house.
What an opening to a novel!
This year I’m teaching Lord of the Flies for the first time in probably five years, and so as might be expected, I’m rereading it. Goodness, that is a great book with layer upon layer upon layer.
I was reading it today when I noticed anew the change: the boys at first change “Kill the pig! Cut it throat! Spill its blood!” but then change it to “Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood.” That got me thinking about the nature of the beast itself.

At first, it’s just the littleuns’ fears, but with the landing of the dead pilot still attached to his parachute, the beast becomes something they can see. The beast is unknown. There is a logical explanation, a perfectly natural explanation, but the boys turn immediately to the supernatural.
This first happens when the twins are reporting about their encounter with the beast. In reality, all they do is see the decaying body of the pilot from a distance. When the wind pulls on the parachute, the body pulls up, and the boys panic and run. They make it back to the other boys and explain:
“That was awful. It kind of sat up—”
“The fire was bright—”
“We’d just made it up—”
“—more sticks on—”
“There were eyes—”
“Teeth—”
“Claws—”
“We ran as fast as we could—”
“Bashed into things—”
“The beast followed us—”
“I saw it slinking behind the trees—”
“Nearly touched me—”
At this point, even the bigger boys become convinced. Without realizing it, they create a cult of worship around it. They make a sacrifice for the beast and create a ritualistic dance and chant.

Later, Jack uses the beast to maintain control.
“—and then, the beast might try to come in. You remember how he crawled—”
The semicircle shuddered and muttered in agreement.
“He came—disguised. He may come again even though we gave him the head of our kill to eat. So watch; and be careful.”
Stanley lifted his forearm off the rock and held up an interrogative finger.
“Well?”
“But didn’t we, didn’t we—?”
He squirmed and looked down.
“No!”
In the silence that followed, each savage flinched away from his individual memory.
“No! How could we—kill—it?”
“If I ever suggest I’m not teaching this book again,” I told a fellow English teacher this morning, “slap me.”
Beginning Lord of the Flies
My kids are reading Lord of the Flies as their final selection in English I Honors. It’s been years since I last taught it; it’s been even longer since I actually read it.
As I reread it, passages that never stood out as significant take on new importance. For example, Ralph laments the fact that there are no adults who “could get a message to us,” expressing a fear that many of the boys have: “If only they could send us something grown-up.. . . a sign or something.” The next paragraph reads:
A thin wail out of the darkness chilled them and set them grabbing for each other. Then the wail rose, remote and unearthly, and turned to an inarticulate gibbering. Percival Wemys Madison, of the Vicarage, Harcourt St. Anthony, lying in the long grass, was living through circumstances in which the incantation of his address was powerless to help him.
Young Percival is doing exactly what his parents taught him: he’s lost, and he’s simply reciting his address.
“If you’re ever lost,” we can imagine his parents calmly telling him, “find a police officer and tell him your address.”
“The Vicar- vicar,” Percival, who is six, struggles.
“Vicarage,” his father, obviously an Anglican priest, prompts.
“The Vicarage, Hardcourt…”
“No, son. No ‘d.’ Just ‘Harcourt.”
“Harcourt…”
They practice it a while. It becomes a morning chant with breakfast, an afternoon game, an evening blessing.
When he has it, he’s got it for good. He recites it at blistering speed a few days later through smiling lips.
“That’s wonderful!” his mother applauds.
And now, trying to come to grips with the terrors that plague him endlessly, he falls back on his incantation — what a wonderful choice of words — and tries to will himself out of the place. He can’t be convinced that there is no beast lurking on the island, but he has no idea what he should really fear.
The older boys do, though. Jack and Ralph have begun their irrevocable split, with Jack resorting to his first violent act: punching Piggy in the stomach and then knocking his glasses off, simultaneously blinding Piggy and cutting all the boys off from civilization, as it was Piggy’s glasses they used to light the signal fire.
“I know there isn’t no beast—not with claws and all that, I mean—but I know there isn’t no fear, either.”
Piggy paused.
“Unless—”
Ralph moved restlessly.
“Unless what?”
“Unless we get frightened of people.”
I imagine my own six-year-old in this situation, watching the closest things to adults around him — the boys of thirteen and fourteen — descend into fighting and arguing, with chaos unimaginable just days away, and I shudder.
When we reach this part of the book, I’m going to break with tradition and help the kids see all the foreshadowing. “If you’re not terrified imagining yourself in this situation, you’re not really reading this book.”
End of April
It’s difficult to believe that April is over, and when I look at my school calendar for May, I realize that the year is, for all intents and purposes, over. We have no single week of school remaining that is a regular, five-day, testing-free week, except for the last week, which consists of three half days.
April in a way flew by, but it also crawled. We’re still not done with the renovation: “Two more weeks” has been the eternal refrain. We’re so close now it’s ridiculous: the walls and ceilings primed, ready for painting tomorrow; tiles in the bathroom and shower installed, ready for grout; hardwood floor installed in the bedroom, read to be sanded and finished next Monday. It feels like forever and no time at the same time.
Spring Monday
I was worried that this would be the first of several very difficult days. With no one here to help with the kids (read: E) in the morning, it’s difficult for me to get out of the house very early. This week, however, is my duty week: I get to spend thirty minutes before my contracted arrival time supervising kids on the eighth-grade hallway. It’s loads of fun, but the downside is that I have to leave much earlier than usual. Which created a dilemma: what to do with the Boy. Two options: ride with the neighbor or leave without breakfast and have it at school.
At around 6:15 this morning, the Boy toddled downstairs, still rubbing his eyes, and presented a third option: “I’m just going to eat breakfast now.”
“Are you sure? You could still sleep another half hour.”
“Nah, I’ll stay up.”
And so the Boy proved once again that life is like calculus: there’s often more than one (or even two) solutions to a given problem.
Once at school, the usually peaceful morning duty transformed temporarily into one of those moments when, as a teacher, I see a student’s future and think, “Wow, if this kid doesn’t make some serious changes, do some serious maturing, she’s in for a long, tough life.” And much of that, in most cases, is due to environment: they’re not choosing necessarily to be a disrespectful kid. It’s something that works on the streets and/or at home, and they just bring it into the school as well.
That particular exchange foreshadowed the discussion I was to have with my honors English kids, who read Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” last week as their article of the week. We began with a review via video:
Then the kids went through a few discussion questions:
- To what extent do you find Socrates’s point about the human tendency to confuse “shadows” with “reality” relevant today?
- What could be the elements that prevent people from seeing the truth, or regarding “shadow” as the “truth”?
- In society today or in your own life, what sorts of things shackle the mind?
The common theme that came through in all of these discussions was the role social media plays in creating false realities, in preventing people from seeing truth, in shackling the mind. It’s ironic: I see so many of these kids buried in their phones before and after school, yet they’re strangely aware of the negative effects.
After school, I hopped out of the car thinking, “So far, other than the little issue in the morning during hall duty, this supposedly tough day is surprisingly enjoyable. After dinner, it was even more so: one of E’s choices in his literacy log is to find a pleasant place to sit outside and read for a while.
And after that, a little project: a bird house. Where did this idea come from? I don’t know. The Boy simply talked K into buy him a piece of pressure-treated 1 x 6, and although he originally planned on building a tree house from that single plank, he was flexible enough to realize that a bird house was probably more in the scope of that single plank. So he found instructions on YouTube, gathered tools, and together we built a little bird house.
“Once you’re done, I want to help with the painting,” the Girl declared, and so with twenty minutes to go before the start of E’s evening ritual, they began working.
“Let’s decorate it with birds,” the Girl suggested. They began drawing various silhouettes of birds while I got the dog’s dinner ready, only to discover we were out of dog food.
“Alright kids, you’ll have to do the actual painting tomorrow. E, you’ll have to go with me to the store to buy some food for Clover.” I was expecting a small fit, some protesting at the very least, and I was reluctant to stop the work in progress: it’s so rare that they find something that really engages them both.
Still, the Boy was surprisingly mature. “Okay,” was all he said, and off we went to get some kibble for the pup.
And so at the close of this surprisingly pleasant day that was supposed to be the first of several tough ones, I find myself realizing anew that “tough days” and “bad days” and “rough days” depend more on our perception than anything else, just like Plato’s shadows suggest.
Soccer Sunday
This afternoon we had the annual kids/parents soccer game to wrap up another season of soccer.
“Are you going to play?” the Boy asked.

“Of course!” Though “playing” might be somewhat hyperbolic. I have no skills to speak of, and I have no fitness to make up for it either. But I did play at the game.
I learned two things: first, I’m terribly out of shape. Since K has been staying with Nana and Papa to take care of them (alternating weeks since February, then about four or five weeks ago, every week), I don’t get out to exercise that much. I use the excuse of not wanting to leave the kids in the house alone, but that’s really just an excuse, I think.

The second was something that followed off of the first: when you’re in such bad shape and have no skills, if you’re playing kids, you can pass it off by playing like all the other parents did when we were up X-0 (can’t remember the actual score): just letting the kids win…

Afterward, off to Nana’s and Papa’s for dinner. There won’t be too many more times that we do that, though. The addition is nearing completion. “Two more weeks,” we say, but we’ve been saying that for a month already. But still, we only have a few more times.

After dinner, we had a little boys’ time, as E called it. We decided to do our normal exploring around the drainage basin at the northeastern corner of Nana’s and Papa’s development’s property. It was a little overgrown as spring takes hold, but nothing like I was expecting. Perhaps the last time we go there? Who knows.
Last Saturday Soccer
A brilliant morning — sunlight everywhere.

Last soccer game of the year. The Boy was excited about it — not because he was excited to play, but because he was excited to be done.
“Do I have to go?” has become something of a refrain before soccer practice and before games.
“You committed to it,” I always explain, “so you’re going to see it through to the end. We keep our word; we finish what we start.”
When I watch his play, I understand why he’s not crazy about soccer: he’s among the youngest in his age group, and he’s lacking some of the confidence that other players on his team have. He prefers playing defense for this reason: all he has to do is stop someone, which means just kicking the ball away from them (in his mind). That’s easier than attacking, when two or three are on you trying to get the ball from you — not to mention your team mates who, despite calls from the coach to realize that they’re “same team!” and instructions to “spread out,” are swarming all around you as well.









So after today, a break. Until L’s volleyball season starts up again…
Friday
Tatra Mountains
Crash
Our swing broke. K was swinging; the kids were playing; I sat down in the swing to join her.
We were soon on the ground. Thus ends “The New Swing.”
Zab Barn
Photo Request
The Girl uses K’s Instagram account as a work-around for our reluctance to let her have one of her own. It works out the same, but we have a little sense of added security. Today, she asked me to take some pictures for her Instagram feed.












I don’t think I’ll ever understand that obsession kids these days have with posting photographs of themselves…
Easter 2019
I started the title for this and typed “Easter 2016.” Not sure where that came from — a typo or a slip of the memory. Easter in 2016 looked like this:

It was rainy, cold. The Easter egg hunt was amusing, to say the least. Still, there was continuity with every other Easter: the same friends were there, probably the same food was there, and I had drinks and cigars with one of the fellows in the carport.
This year, the carport is gone — still in the midst of its transformation, it’s really nothing. Not a carport; not a bedroom.
The same friends are in the area, but new family obligations made it impossible to have our traditional Easter party. We had a little egg hunt yesterday,

and had a little mini-pre-Easter party:

Things change, and sometimes so unexpectedly and suddenly that it’s not until days, weeks, or even months have passed that the contours of that change, the depth of the the change, is clear. A moment lacking in lucidity, a trip to the hospital, and almost five months later, the magnitude of the change — for everyone, for some more than others — becomes clear.

Who knew how much things would change over this winter? Looking back, as we near the end of this first stage, it seems like it was only a couple of weeks ago when it all started; looking back, as the end of this first stage seems eternally out of our grasp, it seems like it was a couple of years ago.

Today, we went to the park. The depth of that change — a walk in the park Easter afternoon compared to what Easter has always been for us — is a metaphor for the change itself. Was it better than what we usually do? Not really. Was it worse? Not really. Just different.


































































































