It seems that every Saturday or Sunday morning these days I wake up feeling that I really don’t want to do anything — as if it’s too much work even to get out of bed for a cup of coffee. It’s not like I’m really depressed or anything. I just feel that it’s more effort than it’s worth to get up. I think of all the things I could do that day — today for example I could work on the little light box I’m going to try to create — but I just don’t feel like doing anything. Do I lie in bed thinking of LW? Not really. I just don’t feel like there’s anything worth doing. I think, “At least during the week I keep myself busy.” It was similar to when I first arrived in LW, I think. No — I was just generally depressed and alone at first.
It’s amazing — I just have nothing to write about. I could write about Marlon coming over for dinner last night, but why? We just chatted. I don’t know how I could write so much in Lipnica. Page after page. And now I haven’t even finished a full page in the first nine days of the month. In Lipnica — this would have been just the beginning of my first entry, writing about the first day back to school.
This week it’s been really weird walking to work. It was so sunny out — not a single cloud in the sky — and it made me think about the beginning of school and such. Fall crispness and I was thinking about not the beginning of my own school years, but the beginning of the three years in Lipnica. And how technically this should be the beginning of my fifth year there.
I’m still so sad. I still feel like I’m not where I belong. I still feel like I’m missing out on life. “When you dream, what do you dream about?” sings BNL. Lipnica. Always.