Yet another calendar year away from Poland. This is the first calendar year in five that I haven’t spent at least some time in Poland. Of course I’m a little sad, but not quite like I was. I might even be “getting over” this nonsense. Naturally that’s a bit of a lie, because I still think of Lipnica, that sense of complete fulfillment I experienced sometimes, and I still wonder whether I’ll ever feel that way again. At this moment, if I could, I would go back. And yet I sit here, thinking about all the nasty thing about the work — the boring planning, the Sunday nights not having any idea what I’d be doing the next day, and I think, “It wasn’t all shiny, happy days.” And I understand once again that all I miss is the interaction with the kids (primarily), feeling that I was contributing to their lives in some meager way. I miss seeing kids smile in class — especially when it wasn’t just be being stupid for silliness’ sake, but because I was being silly while teaching something. Like what Krystyna remembered, I guess.

The funny thing is, I don’t even really remember much about that lesson. I remember plenty of other lessons — the safe-sex lesson with class IV, “guest lecturing” in class IIC, line-reading exercises. That’s another thing I miss, too, I guess — the unexpected good lesson.

I got a zaproszenie to class IV’s bal studniókowy on 22 January. If I were living alone and had no responsibilities other than to pay for my way through the world, I would go, I think. Seven hundred dollars for a couple of days? Maybe I wouldn’t after all, but I’d certainly love to. I’d love to see their faces when I walked in — that would be the best part.

I actually got a lot of mail while I was in Christiansburg, mainly Christmas cards. Still, it’s true what they (who?) say about the thought. I’m just happy that they thought of me, that they remember me. Krystyna said that they would never forget me, and asked that I not forget either, and so maybe I’ll be getting Christmas cards from them for a while.

I guess it’s true about never knowing the impact one has had on others, and what makes it difficult to be back is that I know I’m no longer making an impact. I guess I never really knew how I was affecting folks’ lives while I was there, but I was fairly sure that I was having some impact. (Halina’s unexpected letter is perfect evidence of that, I guess. I had no idea that she was sitting there thinking, “I want to be like that when I grow up.”) Here I’m fairly certain that I’m doing nothing for much of anyone.

One of the things I got (rather, Chhavi and I received) was a letter from Danuta in England. It’s good that she was able to get away from Lipnica for a while. She said that things in the staff room are worse than ever — they’re gossiping about others when they’re in the same room, whispering about each other at the end of the table. Agata and Ramzes were a topic for a while, and Danuta told Agata but they decided not to do anything about it. Adam is a lazy ass as usual. She said that she can’t trust him in any sense whatsoever. When students come to her during consultation, they ask her endless questions about what he was supposed to have covered. And she said that there’s no chance of him leaving or getting kicked out because he likes it there. He doesn’t talk to anyone; he doesn’t even know the students’ name; his favorite lesson is babysitting; he’s doing nothing — why he likes it there, I don’t know. Gravy train, I suppose — he doesn’t have to do anything and he’ll get paid for it. I really should thank him when I get there. “You’ve really done so much to make me look like an incredible teacher! You show how bad things can be while I showed them how good things can be. You showed them that I’m an exceptional teacher! Thanks.”