Matching Tracksuits

I sit in my parents' apartment listening to Mozart's Requiem looking around I completely empty room what was once so full life. The couch, the table, the chairs, the media equipment, the paintings, the photographs, the bookshelves and books, the kitchen utensils -- everything is gone, sold for next to nothing or dumped in the trash.

Sitting in this empty house is not the same as sitting in my own empty apartment just before moving out.  There's more of finality about this. When you're leaving your own apartment, you know you're going to a new one. This apartment, we're just leaving. Someone else will own it, someone else will live in it, someone else will bring new memories into it, and someone else will make new memories out of it. We, on the other hand, consolidated two houses into one with Papa moving in with us, so this is a period for us -- an end stop. So many of the memories associated with this home have to do with our children. L playing and the castle that Nana and Papa bought for her when she was around four or five years old. E rolling around on the floor with Papa, rolling around on the floor with Lena, rolling around the floor with whoever was willing.

But some of the memories are more difficult. Every time I walk down the hall to get something out of the back bedroom or take something to the laundry room -- a paintbrush to clean perhaps or a search for something absorbent -- I pass by the guest bathroom from which Nana was emerging when it all started. I see her there again on the floor with paramedics around her, with Papa distraught, all knowing the situation but not realizing the gravity of it all.

That was now a year ago. Early December it all started. A trip to the hospital, a return trip home, some physical therapy, a collapse again, back to the hospital, back for physical therapy, to the rehab hospital, back to the hospital, all of it creating an enormous circle that seemed endless but most certainly was not.

It took weeks, no months, longer than we expected, perhaps we could say longer than it should have taken. Miscommunication, delays, mistakes. More delays. More mistakes. It's odd: had it been any other business, I would have reacted differently, we all would have most likely, but for some reason, we found we had more patience with a mortuary. Why is that? I don't know.

I do know that Papa finally feels some closure, he said.

My father, when he was about 15 years younger than I am now.

A few years after this photo, taken in 1973, he was mowing with this mower and it rolled over on top of him. Today, it might kill him; then, he got up, probably cussed a bit, and rolled it back over and continued.

I have been going through my mother’s things, and it never occurred to me that she would have done the same thing with her own mother almost twenty years ago when my grandmother passed. She would have discovered pictures, looked at them, puzzled over them, organized them. They, too, would have been snapshots and portraits, but from a different time, from a different reality.

Today, I found those images.

Images that look as if they came from a Ken Burns documentary. Images of my family that are completely foreign to me. I can’t look at these and think, “Isn’t that Aunt L in the sixties?” I don’t recognize the places, the faces, the adults, the children — I don’t recognize anything.

Were they not in my mother’s belongings, tucked away in a Rubber Maid storage bin, could I not recognize one single last name and think, “I believe that was my grandmother’s mother’s family,” had I not known that they were my family, I would never know it.

And now I am so full of questions, so curious, so wanting to know everything about these people — and so frustrated that I didn’t find these years ago, when I could ask Mom about them, when I could take notes, when I could maybe even hear stories.

I have one cousin I can ask, and will do so shortly…