How many cultural issues can you spot in the image of an American man going to buy swimming trunks? More than you’d expect.

Sunday Kinga and I went out with friends of the family on their houseboat. Those who can read Polish got more details form Kinga, but suffice it to say that water skiing was one of the afternoon activities and Kinga got up on her first try.

Before going, though, I needed a pair of swimming trunks. I have a pair that I bought in Poland, but I’d not be seen in public wearing those in the States. They are, in a word, Speedos. I bought the longest pair the store had, but they’re still skin tight and extremely skimpy. What is it about European men wearing Speedos all the time?

I have nothing against Speedos in the proper context. In fact, I’ve worn them many times — in competitive swimming events. But walking around the beach? Swimming around in a lake? It seems like taking a Ferrari to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes — completely unwarranted and a more-than-slight exaggeration.

So, not wanting to parade around in Speedos yet wanting to save as much money as possible, Kinga and I did the logical thing: we went to Wal-Mart to buy swimming trunks.

It was a mistake.

Wal-Mart is, arguably, one of the cheaper stores in the States, which means it attracts a certain clientele from a certain socio-economic group of people. I don’t know if in fact that has anything to do with the fact that literally 95% of the trunks we found were size XXL, but I have my suspicions. And the colors and designs: Lord, I left with a headache.

I ended up leaving with a pair of violently bright green shorts because they were the only pair I could find that were size large. They’re too big for me, but I feared one of the three “Mediums” we found would be too small.