I’m still thinking about going back to Lipnica. I can’t help it. Every day I think about it, and while it seems completely unrealistic in some ways, there are moments when I’m completely sure I’ll go back for at least class II’s final year (this year’s class II, which I guess is now class III).

C and I talked about my seeming depression the other evening. She said that I seem to have lost interest in almost everything. I never read, so I never have anything to talk about; I don’t write, so my thoughts don’t get developed as they used to be. That’s only a partial explanation, though. I didn’t tell her all the things that I keep thinking about. I didn’t tell her, “I’m thinking about going back to LW for one more year,” and that’s the simplest answer to the question of, “What’s wrong?”

The long answer to that question is much more convoluted. I’m depressed because on the one hand, I can only think of Lipnica and how much I want to go back, and on the other, I realize that I never will. I’m fighting that “never will” notion every day because I don’t want to resign myself to something I know I truly want, even if it’s only a portion of me that really wants this. The other layer to this is that I know I need to go out and do something to give myself some kind of fulfillment, but doing that, I’m afraid, will make me give up completely on the dream of going back to Lipnica. I want to give it up — I want to be content with where I am in my life now. But giving it up is the absolute last thing I want, at the same time.

I’m confusing two things: going back to Lipnica for a while, and going back to Lipnica for good. I seem to be equating the former with the latter, assuming that once I get back there, I won’t want to return, that I’ll want to stay there for good. But I don’t really know that. I might get there and realize that I really don’t belong there. I might get there and after a while absolutely hate it. But if I did that, at least I would come back here with that knowledge and I could remind myself every time I thought about Lipnica, “I did try to go back for a while and I didn’t like it.” I can imagine C responding to that by reminding me how much I hated it when I was there last time — at the end, from time to time, anyway. But that is completely different. I thought then that I wanted to come back to the States and get a doctorate in philosophy of religion. I’ve now dropped out of grad school, and I realize that what I want to do now — at this moment — is go back to Lipnica.

I guess I should talk to C about this. I don’t really know how to bring it up, though. “I’m thinking about living away from you for yet another year.” That’ll go over really well. And besides, to know really things would have to be somewhat flexible, I think. Coded talk for, “I’d want freedom to fuck around.” So how do I go about doing something like that? Bringing up such a topic? I’ve no idea.

• I’ve got all these thoughts about what I’d do there, though:
• riding my bike here and there (getting a road bike for really long Sunday rides);
• cross-country skiing in the winter (learning how to first, of course);
• visiting Charles (maybe riding my bike there) and helping him out in his garden/hard;
• traveling around the country a bit;
• Friday and Saturday nights with friends (though this would be somewhat limited, since almost no one would be living there).

In some ways, my reasons for going seem to be fewer than I might have expected. The other day (14 June) I made the following list while sitting at the Sullivan Square bus stop:

From that, it seems just about even. The “Really genuinely want to” entry is something of a cop-out, I guess. And at the same time, it’s the strongest reason why I should go, if I still feel this way. I wrote at the bottom of the entry, “I have to go back for a year. It’s the only way I can be sure.”

The real question — I just realized — is this: Is all this an effort to help myself decide whether I want to go back, or an attempt to justify what I’ve already decided to do? I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve been almost relieved sometimes when C and I are arguing because it seems to be “ammo.” I don’t know. I’m screwed.