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Month: June 2000

Pros and Cons

Sunday 25 June 2000

I’m still thinking about going back to Lipnica. I can’t help it. Every day I think about it, and while it seems completely unrealistic in some ways, there are moments when I’m completely sure I’ll go back for at least class II’s final year (this year’s class II, which I guess is now class III).

C and I talked about my seeming depression the other evening. She said that I seem to have lost interest in almost everything. I never read, so I never have anything to talk about; I don’t write, so my thoughts don’t get developed as they used to be. That’s only a partial explanation, though. I didn’t tell her all the things that I keep thinking about. I didn’t tell her, “I’m thinking about going back to LW for one more year,” and that’s the simplest answer to the question of, “What’s wrong?”

The long answer to that question is much more convoluted. I’m depressed because on the one hand, I can only think of Lipnica and how much I want to go back, and on the other, I realize that I never will. I’m fighting that “never will” notion every day because I don’t want to resign myself to something I know I truly want, even if it’s only a portion of me that really wants this. The other layer to this is that I know I need to go out and do something to give myself some kind of fulfillment, but doing that, I’m afraid, will make me give up completely on the dream of going back to Lipnica. I want to give it up — I want to be content with where I am in my life now. But giving it up is the absolute last thing I want, at the same time.

I’m confusing two things: going back to Lipnica for a while, and going back to Lipnica for good. I seem to be equating the former with the latter, assuming that once I get back there, I won’t want to return, that I’ll want to stay there for good. But I don’t really know that. I might get there and realize that I really don’t belong there. I might get there and after a while absolutely hate it. But if I did that, at least I would come back here with that knowledge and I could remind myself every time I thought about Lipnica, “I did try to go back for a while and I didn’t like it.” I can imagine C responding to that by reminding me how much I hated it when I was there last time — at the end, from time to time, anyway. But that is completely different. I thought then that I wanted to come back to the States and get a doctorate in philosophy of religion. I’ve now dropped out of grad school, and I realize that what I want to do now — at this moment — is go back to Lipnica.

I guess I should talk to C about this. I don’t really know how to bring it up, though. “I’m thinking about living away from you for yet another year.” That’ll go over really well. And besides, to know really things would have to be somewhat flexible, I think. Coded talk for, “I’d want freedom to fuck around.” So how do I go about doing something like that? Bringing up such a topic? I’ve no idea.

  • I’ve got all these thoughts about what I’d do there, though:
  • riding my bike here and there (getting a road bike for really long Sunday rides);
  • cross-country skiing in the winter (learning how to first, of course);
  • visiting Charles (maybe riding my bike there) and helping him out in his garden/hard;
  • traveling around the country a bit;
  • Friday and Saturday nights with friends (though this would be somewhat limited, since almost no one would be living there).

In some ways, my reasons for going seem to be fewer than I might have expected. The other day (14 June) I made the following list while sitting at the Sullivan Square bus stop:

ForAgainst
Lack of ultimate job fulfillmentC
Not sure about whether I want to go to IndiaBullshit from other teachers
Desire for a family eventuallyCost
Really genuinely want toAdam
Best friends thereDanuta not there
Sense of continual adventureNot sure if my friends are staying

Always an outsider

Lack of ability to communicate

From that, it seems just about even. The “Really genuinely want to” entry is something of a cop-out, I guess. And at the same time, it’s the strongest reason why I should go, if I still feel this way. I wrote at the bottom of the entry, “I have to go back for a year. It’s the only way I can be sure.”

The real question — I just realized — is this: Is all this an effort to help myself decide whether I want to go back, or an attempt to justify what I’ve already decided to do? I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve been almost relieved sometimes when C and I are arguing because it seems to be “ammo.” I don’t know. I’m screwed.

Remember Lipnica

Sunday 18 June 2000

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Pride Parade

Sunday 11 June 2000

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Lipnica Thoughts

Saturday 10 June 2000

I woke up thinking about — guess — Lipnica. More specifically — for a moment I was absolutely sure of one thing. “I must go back,” I thought. “The decision is made: I’ll go back for one year at least. I’ll go back, help Halina, Kasia, Krystyna, et. al. though their final year at the liceum. And if I like it, I’ll stay. Maybe sign a four or five year contract in exchange for paying off some portion of my student loan. Something like that.” I smacked the pillow beside me and said aloud, “I think the decision is made. I think I’ll go back.” And for a brief moment, it was as clear and simple as that.

I’m listening to The Ghost of Tom Joad and feeling something like the characters in those songs — someone who’s lost something. Someone adrift. “It’s just dry lightning. And you on my mind.” I don’t have a person on my mind — and that’s part of the problem — but instead I’ve got a place. No, that’s not right. I do have people on my mind. Students, friends — most of my friends, in fact.

After transcribing some of my “journal” from my LW trip into last month’s WP version, I’m now listening to Beethoven’s Pastorale Symphony — on of my favorites, of course. The problem is that even this brings comparison of life in LW to life here. This incredible symphony is accompanied by the sound of passing cars, trucks, and busses. Not exactly conducive to fully enjoying it. In LW the only interruptions I might have would come from someone upstairs — and even that wasn’t constant. The damn cars going by our apartment — and, living on the front side, there’s no place in the apartment to escape it — is a constant annoyance.

I remember sitting on the bed in LW just before going to sleep, and realizing that as I sat there I didn’t hear a single sound. Nothing.

I still hate it here. I still want to go back. And I think I will for the rest of my life.

Thoughts Back at Home

Sunday 4 June 2000

I’m back in America. I have been for almost a week now. And I feel awful. Just as I suspected/expected I would. Even “just as I feared I would.” “Tell me that it’s nobody’s fault, nobody’s fault but my own,” sings Beck now, and I guess that’s somewhat appropriate. I don’t know if “fault” is the best word choice, but all the same . . .

I feel like I have a huge choice to make in about six months or so: stay or go. The implications are huge. I want to go back to Lipnica so badly it’s killing me — paralyzing me with depression sometimes. Yesterday I just lay on the couch, thinking, “I have to go back, and yet I can’t go back.”

Let’s way the pros and cons again, beginning with what I wrote some days ago — about a week ago, flying home:

As I write all that stuff, I think, “Now, most of these things aren’t really problems if I’m honest.” There’s plenty of people I have there, and the fact that the disco is now at Quattro (which is primarily a bar) seems to show how silly my worries were. My life there would be just what I want it to be. It’s simple: I work my ass off and become as nearly fluent in Polish as I can possibly be (barring grammatical perfection, that is), and who’s to say what my limits are?

My life here could be just what I want it to be if I’m honest. I can make anything of my life I want to here in Boston. The thing is, I don’t really want to.

So what are my options? One option seems most promising: go back for one year to see. I don’t know that I can ever stop thinking, “I might have made a terrible mistake in leaving,” unless I go back for a while and test the hypothesis. At any rate, that’s what I want to do. The implications of that are fairly substantial, though. I could say to Chhavi, “It’s just for a year — I just have to see for myself if I made a mistake,” but the obvious correlative of that is, “. . . and if I decide I did make a mistake, I’ll want to stay there.” When I left for Lipnica sometime next year, it would be worse than the first time I left (by then it will/would have been five years ago).

And here’s the shock: four years ago I’d just finished my first day of training in Radom. It’s around 4:30 in Poland now — I’d be just about to finish the first day. Four years ago. Four years. That’s 1,460 days ago. A long damn time. No, quite the opposite. Four years is almost nothing. Two years is nothing. I guess it’s true what they say about time going faster the older you get.

What I don’t want is to realize that I’ve been back from Poland for four years and think, “I’ve done nothing important with my life in that time.” I don’t want to think at the age of sixty, “I wasted my life, by and large.” And that’s exactly what I’m afraid will happen — unless I go back. I keep treating that as if it’s my only option, and it really isn’t. But it’s the only one I’m aware of; it’s the one I feel is sure to bring me happiness and fulfillment.

Two quotes — from the same song — seem particularly relevant now:

The nearer your destination,
the more you’re slip slidin’ away. . . .
A bad day’s when I lie in bed
and think of things that might have been.

What makes all this so difficult is that I could talk to someone in Lipnica about my dilemma — Teresa Wojciak, for example — and she would simply reply, “So come back.” How I wish it were that easy! I would have talked to Jasiu about coming back for this coming school year. Can you imagine the reaction of the students?!