Matching Tracksuits

Month: May 2000

Back to Boston

Monday 29 May 2000

12:40 p.m. Okęcie Airport

I feel almost as empty now as a year ago. The only difference is that I know what awaits me. Otherwise, it’s as if I’ve stepped into some kind of time machine: I’m traveling alone; my thoughts are filled with images and faces of Lipnica; I sit wondering whether I’m doing the right thing in leaving; and I feel generally shitty about what awaits me, as compared to what I’m leaving behind.

What I dread most is going into work tomorrow morning. For a week I’ve been having the same conversation: “I really would like to come back, in fact.” To which Mary, Anna P., Benia, Teresa, i.t.d. respond, “So, come back.” “It’s not so easy,” I say, and I wonder — maybe it is so easy — maybe it’s nearly impossible.

I just feel basically trapped.

On the plane now, wondering more intensely than ever, “Should I be here? Now?” And the opposing question: “What would I be accomplishing if I weren’t here?” Teaching some lesson, I guess. Feeling a little better than I am now.

Sunday —

  • Woke up at 9:30 after 6 hrs of sleep
  • Helped with lunch — barszcz z uszkami
  • Met with Edyta — 1 hour and said bye
  • Went to bistro for ice cream and last words to Agnieszka
  • Met with Danuta; no tears this time
  • Rode with Kinga (around 7:30) to Murowanice to see Mary; forgot about her oral FC
  • Rode on to the lake for a while
  • Visited Benia: “You have a guest” as I approached; short conversation, think her sister Kamila offered to stay in the room with us; Kinga came up, talked with Benia for a while, including, “I hate English”; “No good at foreign languages in general.”

Last night in Quattro

  • Short talk with Benia, Mary, and Teresa
  • Conversation with Janusz’s friend [Marion]: would like to speak English as well as you speak Polish
  • Conversation with Kinga — you think like a woman
  • Talk with Kinga about waking up in someone’s arms
  • One hour of sleep before I left

The farther I get from LW — both in distance and time — the less realistic my thoughts of returning. As much as I want it, it will never happen. Once again, the farther I get from LW, the less realistic it seems. I was there only a few hours ago, and it might as well have been years ago.

I have this unrealistic hope that I’ll be getting more letters from various folks: Anna P., Kasia M., Marcela J., Kasia (IIB), Agnieszka Kubacka. And while part of me is of course hopeful, I can’t help but think it’s the exact same hope that’s been making me sprint to the mailbox every day for the last year.

Why exactly is it unrealistic that I’ll ever go back for good? First — it’s a simple matter of one person — C. She has no intention of going back — no desire. And even if she were willing, I’m not sure it would be quite the same. What I’m thinking of is a total immersion in the culture, which, as things stand, is impossible for Chhavi. And that emersion in culture that I want is total. Being with Chhavi would create an us-them division that would be all but impossible to overcome.

Second, there’s the ever-nagging worry that the life I’m looking for has disappeared. Enough of all that.

Third, I owe $10,000 for my student loan. I could never pay that off making the little amount I would. This seems to be less of a problem if I could just work a bit extra and pay it off now while I still have such a good job.

Fourth: A. I refuse to deal with that dork. Of course, that too seems to be less of a problem. I could just tell Jasiu, “I won’t come back there if he’s teaching at the liceum.”

Fifth there seems to be some kind of barrier that I would never be able to cross. I would always be something of an outsider.

All in all, I think what I’d be looking for is some kind of idealized life there that is unattainable. This desire to return is based on an exceptional week which would be impossible to sustain for very long. The new-ness would wear off for all involved, I think. Everyone wants me to come back to teach because they have Bucky as a comparison. That won’t always be the case, obviously enough.

Another factor: I’m growing ever older. I couldn’t continue living the life I had. A few years at most. A 40-year-old hanging out at the disco seems a little stupid. If I’m honest, I also have to admit that a ot of my social fulfillment came from friendships with students. There were few “adults” I was really good friends with. (And yet I think, weren’t there enough? Ramzes, Agata, Kamil, Kinga, Piotrek, itd.)

It’s all just a silly dream.

More Reviews

Sunday 28 May 2000

Review

  • Friday night:
  • Mary and her “boy”
  • Talked to Iwona’s sister Agnieszka
  • Stupidity with Edyta — about Mary and so on
  • Camera worries
  • Danny’s adventures
  • Sprite and wódka
  • Benia
  • Not always happy
  • Boys to bed
  • Talking like old friends
  • “You can go — I want to talk to Gary, please leave.”
  • [Sat with Halina for a while, speaking Polish at her request]

Saturday

  • More stuff with Edyta
  • Watering flowers, chatting with Mamo
  • Meeting Monika Styla — works at the Haven
  • Talked a little to Agnieszka Kubacka
  • Żurek — “children”
  • Anna P.
  • Trouble with “boyfriend”
  • [Walked home
  • “You are a good friend”]
  • Visit with Ramzes, Agata, and Adam

“Plan maximum” — every moment of every day should be put to use. For a week now I’ve been trying to do that. I want to go visit someone (anyone — but some in particular) then go on to the next person, and the next, and so on. Of course they’re almost all girls, my students of old. Almost all of them I’ve already seen once or twice. I feel that all this week friendships have only begun showing their true potential and now I see how they can be, so I want to develop them. Beina, for example, could be a great friend, and it’s sad to realize that and then leave once again. Sad and a little stupid.

I really feel I almost belong here. Yet being here as a visitor and as an inhabitant — two different things.

Monday Morning

2:45 a.m.Lipnica Wielka

I will be leaving — again — in about an hour. I don’t want to sleep, though I should.

I’m so sad. I feel empty. I want a life I can never have. It exists now, but it will fade as the sun rises. I want never to leave, and I want never to return. I want a life filled with moments like my first meeting with Danuta, or teaching IIB, or walking with Benia, or chatting with Kamil on the balcony. “I try to tell myself to hold on to these moments while they last.” But the attempt to suck the marrow from life often turns into desparation. And that’s how I feel now. I’m grasping for a life that doesn’t exist. It existed for three years, was resurrected for a week, and will die again in about two hours.

I feel so empty. And homeless.

Review of Busy Week

Friday 26 May 2000

Lots of review

Wednesday:

  • Kinga and I walking; Marcela’s grave; the whole story as to what happened
  • Sunny day — didn’t want to leave
  • To Nowy Targ at 7:30; pool, hambuger, beer, cigars; return home for beer, chili, cribbage, and annoyed words from Malgorzata

Thursday

  • Left for Kraków after checking email and hot shower (no hot water at Mastelas’ in the morning); slept on bus
  • Met with Edtya — sat on rynek talking
  • Met with Kinga — went to Jewish quarter and Singer bar
  • Back to LW on 6:20 private bus — slept
  • Quattro last night — talked to Kinga about why she likes LW; why I want to return and why I can’t; same conversations 3 times
  • Talked to Teresa Wojciak at Quattro for a while; found out Mary got a 6 for English matura

More Bullets, More Conversations

Tuesday 23 May 2000

  • No class but spoke to IIC for a while; will teach tomorrow
  • Matura
  • Sylwu = 2; all but one wrong
  • Teresa W. = 6; told me many times in Quattro that she wanted a 6
  • Lidka = 5
  • Bogusia = 3
  • Marek = 3
  • Before matura talked to Lidka, Bogusia, and Marek about present perfect
  • At Bistro I talked with Maria Kuliga, Beata G., and some from IIA about life, Bucky (“He doesn’t explain anything,” they said) and whether I’m coming back to teach (“No!?) Czemu?”); they — Polish, I — English
  • Last night playing “soccer” in Quattro
  • Conversation with Kamil — told him about Beata and ties and “Keep people out”; wanting Iwona (“Why didn’t you make a move?”)
  • Conversation with Magda today
  • Visiting Greg “Fly”

These crazy thoughts — work for a while, then come back here for another long stay. What stupidity. And what makes me think it’s even vaguely possible? Yet it seems completely desirable and reasonable. I come back, begin visiting Mary a lot, then out of the blue, while we are on a walk somewhere . . .

Comparative/Superlative in Review

  • Names
  • Show and talk about ads — what are they trying to do?
  • Discect one ad together
  • Uses comparative and superalative; review
  • Long word
  • Short word
  • 2 syllables clever quiet narrow
    • ing (Boring) / — ed (more and why)
  • In groups of 3/4 brainstorm some adj and at least one new one; some on the board; quick drill
  • Hand out assignments for adds; five minutes @ end to share with others
  • Herbata Zielona Peach flavor in NT health shop
  • Meet with Halina
  • Give Alina a note for Lucyna
  • Get in touch with Beata P.
  • See about visitng Mary
  • Get letters from classes

Back to My Students

Monday 22 May 2000

  • Taught IIB/A — lots of smiles and laughter; Kaśka “super lesson”; couldn’t remember names “But I at least knew them . . .”; “I’m sorry you have such a bad English teacher”
  • Talked briefly to Halina — smiled the whole lesson
  • IIIA what you can do about the problem with Bucky
  • Józia — glad you’re finally happy; husband once jealous of me; son Kubu
  • Bus driver there
  • Last night at Quattro
  • Piotr and Roma — dziadek
  • Sylwia, Marta, and Robert
  • Cloves
  • “this is how my life could/should have been.”
  • Today at Agnieszka’s bistro; thought “Greatest thing = live my old life again for a few moments — accomplishing that2
  • Taught Kamil Macros and VBA
  • Franek: In Q? Pijemy!

Bullet Points about Return

Sunday 21 May 2000

Last night/yesterday

  • Adela’s face when she saw me
  • Mary’s reaction; our conversation about Polish guys; old fashioned
  • Conversation with Kasia (IIB): 3 things I tried to do with/show students.
  • Iwona S: “I came to see you.”
  • Tom Pn. and Monika
  • Jola’s daughter
  • Lucyna in police station in Jablonka
  • Meeting Adam; “Want to talk when we’re sober . . .”
  • Meeting with Kinga
  • Abdul: imperialist ass; conversation about being 25 and in university
  • Saw Halina, Monika Karlak, Teresa Bialon, and her friend Monika W.
  • Couldn’t sleep for thinking about conversations; crazy thoughts about returning and Mary

Today

  • Meeting with Danuta
  • What she’s doing
  • Postcards and current silence
  • Ania M., and Jadzia
  • Learned how to be non-Polish teacher from me
  • What Pawel M. said about my lessons vs. Bucky’s (Buckyego)
  • On the bus and see Marcel and Marysia; their shock; then Krysztyna and her tears
  • Visit to Dominika
  • Trip to Beata Plotek’s
  • Edyta’s phone call

I feel like I’m in heaven; everyone is so thrilled to see me. Mamo at ognisko — embarrassing but touching. I have never felt so wanted and loved as I have these past days. This week will prove to be, I think, the single greatest of my life. In some ways, better than my time here.

“Don’t think; feel it.”

List Journal

Saturday 20 May 2000

I’m here. So strange. Now begins my experiment in journaling: the list —

  • Time with Charles
  • “What’s new in LW?” “You’re about to see . . .”
  • Service station: what shit!
  • Conversation — Tomek’s confirmation and confession
  • Today — first to speak = Dominika’s mom; I felt very distracted
  • Andrzej (priest) — slams into reverse to talk to me
  • ____’s mother (the crying janitor) and a short conversation

First Day Back

Friday 19 May 2000

I’m finally here — and I feel like I never left. Except for a Marks and Spencer in front of the Pałac Kultura i Nauki, nothing much has changed. On, and the cheesy PKP picture gallery has been replaced by still other shops. Otherwise, it’s all the same.

I feel I’m back after only a small break at most. As I was walking along the peron, I had a memory of stepping off a train here, in sektor 1, where it’s not so open or spacious. I remember stepping off into that constant florescent dimness that is Warszawa Centralna at all hours of the day — early morning, though — I think it’s a memory of arriving on the all-nighter from NT to deal with all that visa nonsense.

It seems somehow different to be here as a visitor — a tourist, even — as opposed to being an inhabitant. A temporary inhabitant, but a resident all the same. Now I’m not struggling to keep my sanity in a long journey home; I have no home here . . . I’m a visitor. First time in Poland as such.

First Return

Thursday 18 May 2000

7:30 p.m. EDT JFK NYC

The first leg of my return to Poland was painless enough. In fact, I left Logan about an hour earlier than expected. But here we sit, aboard a LOT 767 waiting for “meterological conditions” to ease so we can leave. I hope it won’t be a repeat of my first trip to Poland — five hours on the tarmack at Dulles.

It’s the strangest thing to hear Polish all around me again. It takes only a moment for old habits to return: I’m able to sink into that strange linguistic isolation to which I’d become so accustomed in Poland. Yet beside me sits a very pleasant woman — probably in her 50’s or 60’s — and I’m trying (or have been, from time to time) to have something of a conversation with her. Still, it’ll be a long time before i’m vaguely comfortable speaking Polish — it probably won’t happen during this trip.

Of course it’s different to believe the day of my departure is here — the exact moment seems somewhat vague, but nonetheless, Thursday 18 May has arrived. And I sit, stranded in a storm, dreaming of a small village in Poland.

I’ve come to realize I have a few habits when it comes to international trips: I pack to the accompaniment of Taproot; I buy a new journal; I end up writing in it while stranded somewhere. And, when Poland is involved in anyway whatsoever, I always find myself in the company of a drunkard — or several.

There are other things connected to Poland as well. Always a bit of chaos; always some kind of delay.

And so I’ve slipped into yet another habit: criticizing Poland. I must not do that — I must “hold on to these moments as they pass.” Yet some moments are more conducive to holding on to than others — for example, waiting to leave, waiting to initiate the last major portion of a long-awaited return to Polska. And of course I brought nothing to read . . . even for Danuta. What a dork.

8:40 p.m. EDT

Still waiting. We might be lucky enough to take off three hours late. I wouldn’t count on it, though.

I received a letter from Kaśka (Ia, last year) in which she shared her opinion of Adam. He is so boring, she said, beginning each lesson the same way: “Please open your books to page . . .” “I hope Adam won’t learn (sic) us yest year,” she wrote — saying a lot about this loser — whom I will meet shortly. I really don’t know how I feel about this — meeting someone for whom I already have no respect whatsoever. I’ll really have to bite my tongue, I think. Maybe he won’t show his face too much.

I’m wondering if Iwona will be there. She might have moved back to LW for a while, though I really doubt it. I don’t think it would upset me too much if she weren’t there at all — we haven’t exactly kept in touch with each other. I think I’ve received three letters from her, maybe only two. I’ve certainly not written more than that — we’re even, I guess. But if she is there — will cliche sparks fly? I doubt it.

I seem to have this notion — unspoken and even unacknowledged — that nothing has really changed since I left almost a year ago. As soon as I arrive in centrum, though, I’ll see the stupidity of such thoughts: a new school, a new bar, maybe even something else new. People of course will have changed as much as — no, more than — the physical surroundings. I hope I’m not setting myself up for something that is no longer really there. I’m not even sure what I’m expecting, except a warm welcome. But whether it is legitimate to think of this as a sort of homecoming or not — that is another issue altogether.

I just had a chance for a Zywiec — yet I passed it up. I’m waiting to be in the company of friends.

If we ever depart, that is. We’re already two and a half hours behind schedule. I’ve no idea how this will affect my arrival time in NT or LW.

Almost Returning

Monday 15 May 2000

An awful start to a month that will turn out to be one of the most eventful of my life. Though I had no idea at the beginning of the month — or even the last journal entry — I’ll be leaving for Poland in three days! It’s difficult to believe, but I’m leaving for Poland this Thursday.

This evening I read some of my journal entries from my last days in Lipnica. There are so many people that I want to see, to talk to — will I be able is another story. At any rate, the thought of going back and being among some of the people who were so very important to me during the most formative period of my life — it’s difficult to describe how I feel about it, but I feel equally at peace and anxious about it, often experiencing both at the same moment.

Because of that, I won’t be writing much more than ten pages this month, if I’m lucky. I’m not planning on keeping much more than a rough outline of my days there. Every night (or morning) I hope to jot down a few lines about what happened since the last time I wrote something and then flesh it out when I get back. I’ve bought a new, small notebook for that purpose. Zobaczymy.

“I try to tell myself to hold to these moments as they pass.” Those words have haunted me since I’ve returned, and I’m determined that for the time I’m in Poland I will make the most of every single moment. I don’t know how much I’ll sleep — I”m hoping not much; I don’t know how much time I’ll spend sitting around doing nothing — I’m noping, not much. I want every moment to be something to cherish; and I want to be aggressive enough in initiating visits that that’s the case. I want to hunt down Józia and talk to her; I want to go see Anna P. if she’s not at the disco; I want to drop in on people without worries. I’m going to do it if I can. I’m going to walk across the street to Agnieszka Kubacka’s house and find out where she is and whether I can get a phone number to contact her, and the same for Maggy. I’m not going to have a single moment of regret while I’m there; no wasted time whatsoever. It’s completely unacceptable.

Excitement at Return

Sunday 7 May 2000

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but in two weeks I will be in Lipnica. Two weeks. I’ll actually be arriving in much less than two weeks. Still — last night I was thinking, “Two weeks and I’ll be back at Zurek.” A very comforting thought.

“I try to tell myself to hold on to these moments while they last.” As Adam says about chess, I’ve got to be “balls-to-the-wall” with this. I’ve got to be aggressive in seeing people — not wait for someone to invite me over for a visit, in other words. I’ve got to savor each and every moment — even the time taking the train from Warszawa to Kraków. In fact, I’m sort of looking forward to that more than anything else — my initial adjustment period, so to speak. Every time I’m on the orange line going to work, I look out and think, “This could just as easily be a train somewhere in Poland.” And I get a little tug of nostalgia. So now in the coming days I’ll get something similar, but a sort of nostalgia-in-advance.

I hope that my trip to Poland will help me adjust to being back in America. I don’t know if I’m being blindly, naively optimistic about this or not, but I really think that going back to Poland for just a little while will give me the necessary perspective to appreciate being back here. What I miss most about my life in Lipnica are the friendships. It’s not the apartment (though of course it would be nice to have such a place here); it’s not really the teaching (it’s more the interaction with students, not the act of teaching them when to use “a,” “an,” and “the”); it’s not the cold winters; it’s not even the thrill (which quickly wore away) of living in another country. It was the friendship — knowing that I had something to do on Saturday nights and, more importantly, someone to do it with; sitting at talking around an ognisko; smoking and drinking with Janusz while listening to our mutually small blues collection;’ having an unplanned lunch with Mastelas on a Sunday afternoon.

So now I’m listening to Trzycie (sp?) Simfonia Góreckiego. It’s music that demands to be listened to — commands one’s attention — and it’s probably not the best music to be listening to while trying to type in my journal. Still, I’m in the mood to listening to something Polish, and this is the best I’ve got (without a doubt).

At some point I’ve got to start really planning what I want to do while I’m there. I don’t want to go and just let things happen. I’m afraid if I do that then I won’t get to do certain things I really want to do. Among them — a day in Kraków, perhaps with Kinga J. or Edyta; a day in Zakopane, definitely with Charles; a day of riding a bike around Lipnica, hopefully with Kinga M. when she gets back. I want to have some sort of idea of what my time there will be like.

Other than this exciting bit of news — and the accompanying news that I’m flying for less than $700, thanks to Michelle — nothing much has happened this week.

Oh, part of the motivation for going so soon: Kamil was drafted into the army! He leaves 4 July for a six-month stint. That means if I were to go for Charles’ wedding in September, I wouldn’t get to see Danuta or Kamil. I found out about this Monday, hence the suddenness of the trip.

I had to talk Kali into letting me get time off. At first she wasn’t keen on the idea, but I had a strong argument: we have two course developers starting — one tomorrow, one the next Monday. The first thing they’ll have t do is read all the chapters and start making some changes. I’ll have enough time for them to read the chapters and discuss them with me before I leave for about a week. During that week, hopefully, they’ll have time to make some changes, re-write stuff and so on, so that when I get back, there’ll be a pile of work for me to do — which certainly hasn’t been the case of late.

Another interesting development in the workplace: I had my evaluation this week and Kali feels I’m not making the most of my skills. What exactly did she mean? Well, she’d like to see me more involved in the tech side of things as something of a liason between the tech staff and the editors. An editor who knows a lot about the ins and outs of the software we’re using and things like that. She also wants me to design and implement some workshops for editors to help them make the most of Word. Several of them — including Kali — would like to learn how to make macros (as if it’s terribly difficult), and so I’ll be teaching again. And I won’t have to worry about not being prepared and such — I’ll be able to prepare this stuff while I’m at work. Part of my job will be to prepare for these workshops! What a novel concept!

Word Perfect or Word?

Monday 1 May 2000

This is a test — I’m going to keep my journal in Word just for the hell of it this month. I don’t know whether this is a wise thing or not — I’ve been keeping it in Word Perfect for such a long time and I’ve always been such a staunch opponent of Word. Of course, I do everything else in Word because of work, so I’m more accustomed to Word at this point than to WordPerfect. Perhaps I’ll end up converting this at some point. One thing that WordPerfect has over Word at this level is the ability to change keyboards. Of course I’m sure you can do it in Word as well, so . . .

Today was our first day at the new office in Medford. I can say one thing about it — corporate. It’s certainly not as homey as the office in Arlington, though the commute is about the same. And of course there’s all the cubicles. I don’t know if I’m so anti-cube as others, but it’s a drastic change from the other office. At the same time, I was in that little private office for such a long time that I really wasn’t part of the outer gang.

One thing that really struck me today was the hierarchy that has suddenly appeared. Well, not “suddenly appeared” — it’s always been there, it just wasn’t visible. Until today. For example, Adam now has a private office with very nice furniture and such — of course, it doesn’t have any windows whatsoever, and I guess that’s the trade. At any rate, what became obvious right away was that I am rather far down the rung, so to speak. As is Rob for that matter. I’m about as far down as you can get, I guess. I don’t really care — and I really expected nothing less — but it was startling to realize that suddenly today. A little disturbing as well. I’m just accustomed to seeing everyone around at the same time, and now it’s certainly not the case.

On the other hand, it’s interesting how much things have changed since I first arrived a few months ago. I remember Bob running around, Celina at Beth’s desk (I think?) and such — pastries and lots of empty space.

(The Word experiment lasted only a few minutes — I’ll just continue keeping it in WordPerfect for the foreseeable future.)

Today was a day of hierarchy — as I rode the 86 home, some police officers roared down the road and began directing traffic (though they didn’t block things off until we’d passed) so that, at some point, some person we’ve decided is important could pass through without waiting. Why shouldn’t they have to wait in traffic like the rest of us? “People will assassinate them!” Chhavi responded, and I suppose she has a point there — it is certainly a possibility. Still, it’s a little annoying that we’re sitting there waiting while this joker roars by without any interference.

One last thing about today’s adventures: just after I got on the bus (the 86) at Sullivan Station, someone else boarded — the woman with curly hair and a semi-flat, long nose that gets on across from the Harvard Stadium every day. I’d noticed that she doesn’t get off at the Harvard stop, but I’d no idea how far she went. Now I guess I know. Funny thing is, I seem to see her all the time. She was at Stop ‘n’ Shop a few weeks ago — she was with a bunch of folks, whom I assumed to be her roommates (though I could very well be wrong. So now I’m wondering if I see her again whether I should now talk to her. She’s drawn my gaze several times and I’d really like to see what kind of a person she is — in a way, part of it is simply that I’d like to know what kind of voice she has. Anyway, I think I’ll strike up a conversation if she’s waiting at the same time tomorrow — or any other day, I guess.

Another interesting happening today — I talked to Jill (the absolutely stunning sales woman) for a few minutes and actually felt as if she wasn’t just tolerating me. I often feel that she’s merely gritting her teeth and enduring any short conversation we might have. Today, however, was a different story. We had a very pleasant — albeit very shallow — chat. Of course I’m not really looking for more than that, but it was certainly a nice change.

God, this is like something I would have written in high school — perhaps about Christy Anderson. chaut. I guess it just shows that we don’t ever really outgrow certain things — insecurities remain no matter what.