fun in threes, sometimes fours
education and teaching
I try to show the kids the simple fact that much of what we write can feel iambic even when we’re speaking normally.
In the hush of the classroom we read all the lines of the ages, and marvel that “anapest” is a dactyl and that “trochee” is one while “iambic” isn’t. We scan the lines, apply the labels, and admire the Bard for all he did for the iamb.
Few things are as beautiful to me as an English teacher as the tops of my students' heads. Like thirty suns rising over the horizon of their desks, the sight of students' crowns is a sure promise, an hint that today might be better than yesterday.
With pencils skating and tapping across their page, my students reveal the treasure in their heads through flawed but ever-charming drafts. They create maps of ideas that are perfect in their heads but somehow get a little muddled as they travel down their arms to their fingertips. But oh, the treasure they often share. What a strange and electrifying privilege to learn things about people that seem to be revealed only to the most trusted. What an honor to be the confidant of so many bright minds.
Yet it's not just the content that brings joy. The process itself is almost sacramental. Some write with furrowed brow; others look like they're smiling; still others seem both amused and confused; a few even seem ambivalent. There are exasperated sighs and frustrated moans, and the crisp echo of someone wading paper occasionally punctuates the grey-black scratching of graphite.
I'm always torn during such in-class writing engagements. I try to set the example and write alongside my students, sharing my own drafts and troubles so they can see that all writers have problems with writing. Still, part of me wants to sit and just watch as they wrestle with themselves. "I have trouble writing when I don't like the topic," they almost universally write in their first assigned topic, "I, the Writer," an exploration of writing in their lives. To remedy this, I try to allow as much freedom as I can, and the fact that I can get thirty-plus thirteen-year-olds to sit quietly and write is a testament to the effectiveness of freedom. And so I work toward a successful medium: write a little, glance up and feel proud for them, then write a little more. My writing during these sessions often turns to the joy of watching students work.
It is most clearly in these moments that I see my vocation: I am a teacher. I will always be a teacher. I cannot imagine doing anything else, for I am addicted to the warmth and trust of my students.
It's all smiles the first moments of the first day. There is optimism and perhaps hint of hope. New teachers. New year. A fresh start.
“I've heard she's a little odd,” one says to another.
“But she's really tough. That's what Eric said,” another chimes in.
Next door, it's the same story. The worries are identical. Will this be a cool teacher? Will I get along with her better than I did my last first period teacher?
“I've heard he's really hard.”
“I've heard he's really easy.”
Down the hall, the thoughts are the same. What will we read? What experiments will we do? Where will we go for field trips?
“I've heard he's a jerk.”
“I've heard she's really sweet.”
Everyone bumps around, unsure of themselves, unsure of their standing in the class, unsure of more things than they will care to admit. No one knows what to expect; no one knows whether to hope for the best or prepare for the worst.
“I've heard the cafeteria food is going to be better this year.”
“I've heard the dress code will change.”
Everything is in flux, sliding and slipping about like a ballerina on a well-greased floor. The only thing anyone has to go on is rumors and the Pop-Tart gobbled on the way to the bus stop.
And it's all visible in the eyes, in the body language. The teacher clears her voice, signaling the beginning of the class, and everyone looks the same: shields up; defenses activated; look like a stone.
Who's to blame them, for who is this person, this unknown, who will be an integral part of their lives for the next nine months? It's a great poker game: no one knows if the teacher is the jackpot or three lemons. Everyone knows from experience that a great teacher can turn into a horrible ogre in a matter of days, and so everyone is afraid that it's a front. The smile might not last; the attempts at jokes might not continue; the proposed classroom atmosphere of ease might be only an illusion.
It's all rather like a blind date. The doorbell rings and there stands a bloke with a bouquet and a smile. The girl has her guard up and is analyzing every single thing the guy does: the jokes he cracks; the car he drives; the conversation he makes; the clothes he wears. Everything is a coded, hidden message, and the girl wants to know as soon as possible whether or not to text her friend who agreed to call her and speak in a loud, frantic voice about the impending emergency that she must, simply must, come and help with.
“I'm so sorry. I have to go. My friend's cat is stuck in the dryer.”
If only it were that simple, for this date will last nine months. It's a first date, a blind date, that's the length of a pregnancy. And as with a pregnancy, there is nothing a friend can wildly scream over a cell phone, no emergency so great that it can end the date. And yet, the girl ponders, perhaps it won't be so bad. After all, her cousin ended up marrying a guy she met on a blind date.
So the girl eases into the car and the students ease into the desks with a bit of worry and a touch of hope. This could all turn out well. The young man might be a perfect gentleman; the teacher might be a perfect instructor and mentor. Everyone decides for a moment, for a few days, to give the guy, to give the teacher, the benefit of the doubt.
Even those who are sure the whole school is involved in a vast conspiracy to trouble and torment them through their whole education entertain the thought that this year might be different. It's sure to turn into disaster sooner or later, they think, but maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe it won't even be a disaster; maybe it will just be an inconvenience.
Everyone thinks, “Let's wait and see.”
The teacher stands in front of the classroom, sees the sea of new faces, ponders the coming nine months, and thinks exactly the same thing.
“By the end of the first quarter, this girl might end up driving me nuts,” she thinks, looking at a face in the front row. “By the end of next week,” she shutters, “That guy in the back row might make me question my dedication to teaching.” The teacher looks, and explains, and waits. Waits for the first sign.
“We will have a test on every chapter,” she begins, and she sees the troublemaker in the back row yawn and prop his head on a casually balanced fist. “Oh, it's already started,” she thinks. “I can't make this any more interesting than this, and he doesn't even have the decency to...”
In truth, it's always like this. We are individual universes, carried around by clumsy bodies that often belie our doubts and fears. We assume, judge, and act on our initial prejudices, and then wonder why everyone else does the same. But sometimes, those judgments and quick characterizations set the scene for something more significant than a blind date. We are constantly moving into and out of each others' universes, but we very rarely have any idea when we've bumped into someone who will have a major impact on our lives. But such moments do exist.
The first day of class is one. Students and teachers wake up on the first day of the new school year with the same thought: “I hope this year will be better than last year.” It doesn't matter whether the previous year was a total disaster or an unqualified success. We always want it to be better. And we all hope, students and teachers alike, that it will be better.
Then the old routines return, and the students and teachers alike find themselves wondering, “What's going on? How did it all go wrong?”
The dilemma is much more complicated than that, because we all have different ideas of what “wrong” means. Because we're these universes — monads, as Spinoza called them — jostling around, unable ever to understand fully the physics of each other, we're doomed to make mistakes that we don't even know are mistakes. We offend where no offense was meant; we anger when we're trying to amuse; we harm when we're trying to help.
And nowhere is this more evident, more clear, than in the classroom.
What are we to do? We don't have instruction manuals that we can read about each other. We don't know what each others fears and dreams are. Sometimes we don't know what words hurt, what actions destroy. Unless we tell each other.
That's unrealistic. No one spills her guts walking to the car on a blind date. “Listen, I had a really bad relationship with a guy who always brought me roses. I associate roses with pain, so you might not want to bring them. They only call back bad memories.” No one says, “Listen, I am very insecure with my reading, and if you ask me to read something aloud, I will do anything and everything to avoid it–even if I have to cause a scene to get thrown out of class.” No one says, “I really want to help you guys, and sometimes I get really frustrated when people don't seem to be paying attention. Then I make sarcastic remarks because I think it should be obvious.” No one says these things, but maybe they should.
So I will say these things to you. I am here to help you. I am on your side. I wake up in the morning with the hope of somehow making your life a little better. But I am human. I get frustrated; I get tired; I get irritable. I sometimes assume you should realize things that you might not necessarily realize. I occasionally assume that you didn't this or that because you're lazy. I catch myself, but sometimes the damage is done. Yet that doesn't change the fact that I'm still on your side. I still am here for you.
We jostle about in our adolescence, bumping against others and ourselves, usually questioning where we stand with others, often unsure of where we stand with ourselves. Such tumultuous times of identity formation, questioning, and reformation. We make and remake ourselves year after year, month after month, even day after day, and we’re all nagged by the same question: is the me I see in myself what others see? Or more to the point, is the me I see in myself the real me?
Sociologists and psychologists tell us that adolescence is a relatively recent cultural phenomenon, a product of the same innovations that created the leisure class and free time. In the past, one’s position in life was fairly well determined generations before one was born. Once born to generations of farmers, always a farmer; once born to a family of wealth and position, always an aristocrat. These days we wake up and find ourselves in possession of a driver’s license and a handful of friends, unsure what to do with either, and we struggle to make decisions that weren’t even available ten decades ago.
Every year, as an eighth grade teacher, I see my own students going through this, yet with seemingly infinitely more choices that I had. Their thumbs can move at over a phone’s small keypad at the speed of gossip, and last week is ancient history. They come to class sometimes with tears in their eyes, and I think, “Someone broke someone’s heart, and they’re both sure they’ll never survive it,” and I smile to know they will, because I did, and a hundred and twenty kids in my cohort did as well. “Love is blindness” I mutter under my breath.
I want to say, “Twenty years from now, you won’t worry so much about this. Like precipitates in a Chem II experiment, love and your personalities will seem somehow to have settled and congealed.” I want to tell them, “You’ll quote the Beatles: ‘I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together,'” until I realize that U2 is their Beatles. (A student mentioned to me that he likes U2: “My friends think I’m crazy for listening to that old music,” he confided. Thanks.) I want to confide, “You’ll think to yourself, ‘Love is blindness,’ go to your twenty-year reunion, and find that you had more in common with everyone in your class than you ever realized.” But I know the words will do no more for their shattered hearts (egos?) than such words would have done for mine, and I’ll hope that some day, perhaps they’ll invite me to a reunion.
I grew up in a border town -- half in Virginia, half in Tennessee -- about three hours north of where we presently live.
In the last fifteen years, I've only gone back a handful of times. Today, K and I are making the trip to meet with people I haven't seen in twenty years, most of whom I knew only in passing, and many of whom I probably won't recognize, and if I do, I likely won't remember their names immediately. Yet there are a few, and to see them again will be worth it.
I wonder, in the age of social networking, will future generations have twenty-year reunions?
In a world of spin and deception, to be trusted with someone’s greatest victories and deepest tragedies is rare indeed. For one hundred and some adolescents to trust someone that way can only happen in one, obvious environment: the classroom. The level of trust some students show (and hopefully, I earn) reminds me daily the privilege I have of teaching thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds.
Students write in essays and journals about things I sometimes worry few other adults in their lives know about: anxieties about the future; frustrations with current situations; sorrows over tragedies large and small. They come to me excitedly when they’ve done well, looking for a high five and a smile; they come to me dejectedly when something’s gone wrong, hoping for a sympathetic ear. They tell me when they’ve fallen in love and when someone’s broken their heart.
With some, I need to show only a little attention, ask a few questions genuinely from curiosity, and a smile blooms that makes my day and causes me to wonder why people would want to do anything else with their lives.
We were writing about writing -- an odd thing to my class of 25 eighth-graders, but they complied. Heads down, they scribbled for half an hour, turning out some of the best writing they'd done all year.
One young lady, Tina, after fifteen or twenty minutes of writing, declared, "I'm done!" I told her she should continue writing and that she could write about anything she chose.
"Even you?" she asked.
"Sure," I replied, wondering what I might get. After all, Tina had a reputation, and I could tell from the first few moments of the first class that it might be a challenge to keep her quiet and focused.
In short, Tina said whatever came into her thoughts. If a comment was "stupid," she let the poor bloke know it. If she realized she was hungry, sleepy, bored, thirsty, excited, amused, or anything else, she shared it with the whole class the instant she realized she was hungry, sleepy, bored, etc.
I'd spoken to her about it a few times. It was easy to lose my cool and simply react to her provocations, but I knew such reactions would serve little purpose. I also knew that, were I to leave her alone, she would quickly burn through all the steps in the school discipline policy; it would be easy then to get her out of class on a regular basis simply by writing administrative referral after referral.
By the end of the first quarter, she'd calmed down significantly. Her outbursts were increasingly rare, and she responded to my mild reminders to stay on task with a smile rather than an argument.
All of that went through my thoughts as I walked away from her desk. Immediately after all students were on their way to the final period of the day, I went through the papers and dug hers out.
She wrote,
Now I'm going to speak upon the Great Gary Scott. Mr. Scott, the best, is my favorite teacher. He may be boring, but he believes everybody can do it if they try. He has helped me so much and I thank him greatly and I have to say he is a great father figure. His daughter has a good daddy at home.
"She probably has no idea how great this makes me feel," I muttered to myself, so I thanked her as she walked to the bus. "Those were very kind words, and I appreciate you sharing with me."
She smiled and said "You're welcome" quickly, bolting away from me as she suddenly saw a friend.
Thursday I said my goodbyes to the fourth group of eighth graders I've taught here in Greenville. I shook countless hands, gave numerous hugs, and reassured many crying students, all the while thinking how blessed I am to have such an honorable job.
I understood their pain. Endings are so painful when we're young. Each transition is filled with such uncertainty, and like everyone, I've been through my share of painful transitions. In 1999, I was on the verge of tears as a friend drove me through the Polish village I'd called home for four years on the way to catch the train that would take me to Warsaw to catch a flight home. That longing all my students felt only briefly Thursday afternoon was so intense twelve years ago that it eventually led me back to Poland, back to the same village, back to the same students whom I'd left as freshman and returned to as seniors. It was the best decision I've ever made.
But I know the secret: we start again. Every ending is a beginning. Every chapter is followed by another, and if we do it right, the next chapter is always better. I tried to tell my students that Thursday. I'm not sure I was successful: no one can ease a pain that's almost voluntary. Adolescence loves misery in small doses, especially the pain of loss.
I like to think I'm still an adolescent at heart, so now I sit, smiling, looking through pictures I snapped the final day, feeling honored that I had the privileged of working with such incredible kids, wondering what the future holds for those fourteen-year-olds that I grew to love. What do we know when we're fourteen?
I know many of my students, due to the tragedies and misfortunes they had no part in, know more about pain than I know though I'm twenty-five years older than them. I tried to make the daily fifty minutes I spent with them a pleasant experience, but I know I let them down. It haunts me, and it's the bitter part of the bittersweetness of the end of a school year.
Thursday evening I met a former student -- I'll call him Ed -- who gave me utter hell when he sat in my sixth period class. "I gave everyone hell," he would say if he read this. "I was just making bad decisions. I just wanted to be bad," Ed explained Thursday night as he explained the path his life has taken in the intervening three years. I finished that year thinking I'd let him down, swearing I'd never do it again, and now I know I have done it again. And I'll do it yet again -- probably next year.
So I sit, scrolling through pictures, wondering where the lines of these kids' lives will lead them, eager to get to know next year's batch, wondering if I'll ever lose this sadness I feel at the end of school years, and hoping I never will.
How could I, when students leave notes like this on my board?
I sit in class with fourteen other adults, and we go through essays that students have submitted for group review. We share what we like and what works for us as well as what we think could be improved. We're courteous but sufficiently critical. We take initiative, ask and answer questions, volunteer observations. The author jots notes about this or that comment, sitting silently yet respectfully listening.
Why can't I get this to happen in my own classroom? I have a list of excuses:
For any given student, one or more of these end-of-the-day excuses might be true. Or none. Or all. Some are in my control; many are not. The common element, though, is probably the problem: "Students don't."
I make an effort to incorporate workshops into my teaching. Things don't go as well as I'd hoped, so I refocus -- "Stop thinking 'students can't' and 'students don't'!" -- and re-plan and try again. Somewhere, the right balance of innumerable factors exists, and someday, I'll be leading a class like the one I participate in every Tuesday evening.
I'm taking two classes this semester, still working toward a Master's; I have to study.
K is taking a class this semester, beginning her course work toward an eventual professional license; K studies.
L, seeing the two of us, has decided she needs to study.