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The Churches of God–A Sociological Examination

Herbert W. Armstrong

Since the doctrinal changes in the Worldwide Church of God (WCG hereafter) in the 1980s and 1990s and its subsequent division into the numerous “splinter groups,” there has not been much genuine communication between those who stayed (whom in this essay I will call “assenters,” for they give their assent to the new doctrines) and those who left (whom I will call “dissenters,” for they withhold their assent to the new doctrines).[1] When there is communication, it can generally be described as nothing less than a hateful argument, of which both assenters and dissenters are guilty. Assenters declare that dissenters are not really examining scripture “objectively” (a term which I will deal with shortly), indicating that accepting the WCG’s new doctrines is simply a matter of logic; dissenters declare that assenters are betraying everything they were taught under Herbert Armstrong and that they are hopelessly deceived by Satan. With such divergent presuppositions held firmly, assenters and dissenters often verbally bash each other over the head until one or the other (or both) realizes the futility of the “discourse,” and then communication ceases altogether.

At a WCG-related web site, John Bowers explains this lack of communication this lack of communication in, “Why Christians Hate.” He claims it is simply because of fear: “To be a member of an unpopular religious cult, such as the Worldwide Church of God, is to live in fear.” To some degree, I feel Bowers was on track in this assessment, but it doesn’t go deep enough. It offers a somewhat superficial explanation as to why members of sectarian cults “fear.” The purpose of this essay is to use sociology (specifically sociology of knowledge) to locate a little more precisely the source of this “fear” in Bowers’ essay and to a lesser degree.

The World through Sociology’s Eyes

From the moment of our birth, the world is mediated to us. Usually this is done by our parents, whose job it is to teach us “the ways of the world.” This involves teaching us very simple, physical things, like the fact that touching a hot stove is a bad idea. We could, of course, figure these simple things out for ourselves, and very often we do. That is how we learn to walk, for example.

Yet our parents’ responsibility doesn’t stop with teaching us to keep our fingers away form hot stoves and out of electrical outlets. It also involves teaching us things that we wouldn’t be able to figure out for ourselves – at least not immediately. For example, it is from our parents that we learn our ethnic and national heritage. The average 18-month-old French girl has no idea that she is a French girl. Indeed, she probably has no idea what France is at that point. If she’s born into a Catholic family, she also has no idea what Catholicism is. Nor would she easily figure these things out on her own. Instead, her parents explain these things to her – things that later in her life will appear as normal, everyday reality.

Our parents introduce us to a very specific world that has many facets: social standing, race, religious orientation, ethnicity, etc. As our parents expose us to these aspects of their world, we come to accept it as our world too. In short, our parents define reality for us as we are growing up. This is called socialization, or more specific, primary socialization.

The things we learn in primary socialization are the things that later we take for granted as “everyday knowledge.” They form the basis of what we think “normal” people do. The end result is that within a given culture where certain groups of people undergo a very similar primary socialization process, these people define reality in almost identical ways.

Rules of etiquette provide a good example of this: In the Western world we generally do not slurp our soup, flatulate in a crowded train, make rude comments about our boss’s hair, urinate in a public park, or any number of things, all because we have been taught not to – most often by our parents. The things described above are the “basics” of polite behavior – they constitute the foundation of how everyone knows they should behave.

Yet in and of themselves, these basics that “everyone knows” are arbitrary. Nothing physical will happen to us if we break taboo and do any of the preceding things things. We won’t die if we slurp our soup, or relieve ourselves in the middle of Central Park. We will, however, get glares at the dinner table for our noisy soup eating or be carted off by the police if we duck behind a tree in Central Park.

Thus is the world into which we are born. The rights and the wrongs have already been decided, even though in most cases the decisions made are, from a purely biological point of view, arbitrary. They are not based on universal human needs (like eating or sleeping) and as such they are open to a wide range of interpretation. This fact is most vividly illustrated when you go to a foreign country and find a man standing against a wall in broad daylight, his back to the street, urinating – for all to see. Clearly, you and the man relieving himself define reality in a different manner. Indeed, you define reality in a way different from the man urinating and all the other people walking by him without so much as a second glance. For you it is decidedly disgusting and unnatural; for them, it’s the norm.

The “norm” we receive from our parents during primary socialization is initially not in competition with any other definitions, and we come accept our parents’ reality as reality in its totality. For example, a child raised by Muslim parents in a Muslim community will initially assume that the entire world is Muslim. It’s possible to imagine a grown man who clings to this definition of reality as normative throughout his life. How would such a feat be possible? Simple. If he never encounters anyone who is not Muslim, he will never have any reason to doubt that the entire world is Muslim. However, given the proliferation of mass communication and the ease of contemporary travel, he probably will encounter someone (via television or tourism) who is not a Muslim, and this encounter will constitute a competing claim about the nature of reality.

In a pluralistic society such as America, such primary socialization that excludes all other definitions of reality is simply impossible. We usually become aware of different points of view at a fairly early age, but such alternative points of view can be easily dismissed as “different” or even “abnormal.” Our parents at first do this dismissing. For example, when we’re traveling to Florida for vacation and we encounter a group of punks at a rest area, our father mutters derisively, “Freaks.” We incorporate this into our own worldview and for us, as 5-year-old children, these individuals become “freaks” as well. We don’t question whether our father is right or wrong in his assessment – we simply accept it. He was correct when he taught us “right” and “left” and how to tie our shoes – why wouldn’t he be right here as well? This points out the simple fact that to the extent that our parents are our primary mediators to the world around us for our entire early childhood, they are infallible.

It is from such encounters with people who define reality differently that the “us-them” view of the world comes into play. While this paradigm is often (and rightly) criticized as being “narrow-minded,” it is unavoidable in a sense. As long as there are cultures that define reality different, these different views will have to be sensibly incorporated into our own worldview. As seen above, in can be done in a somewhat flippant manner, writing off the legitimacy of a whole worldview with a pshaw and flick of the wrist.

There are other ways to deal with differing worldviews, though, that don’t amount to an ideological annihilation. The father in the above example could have just as easily explained the punks’ spiked hair and leather in such a way that doesn’t completely debase them. He could have just explained that they’re different and left it at that.

However, there are some things about which even the most liberal-minded and socially tolerant parent will make will have make normative. Incest, for example, is a fairly universal taboo[2] and even those who are willing to accept punks or bikers will be unwilling to condone incest – or murder, stealing, or any number of semi-universal norms.

Primary socialization, then, simply involves our acceptance as children of certain subjective ideas as being objectively true. As a sort of negative example, imagine the following: as a cruel experiment, parents decide to teach their child that everything is the opposite of what it “actually” is. So they teach this child that “up” is “down,” “blue” is “green,” “left” is “right,” and so on. On what basis will this child initially know that her parents are lying to her? Initially, none. Only when she begins interacting with others and makes a comment about how blue the grass is and sees their reactions will she be able to understand that her reality is different than everyone else’s.

We might even ask, “On what basis are the parent lying to the child?” When we encounter this child calling the sky green and the grass blue, on what authority to we exclaim, “Why, you’ve got it wrong – exactly opposite, in fact!” In other words, why is blue blue? Because some omnipotent force decreed that light within a certain range of wavelengths will be called blue? Perhaps, but we have no evidence of that. From our point of view we must accept that blue is blue because that’s how speakers of English define that particular wavelength of color.[3]

All if this is simply to say that reality is a construction. It is something we learn from our parents, who learned it from their parents, who learned it from theirs – ad infinitum. And what’s more, this reality we learn from our parents is all encompassing. It is not simply a matter of colors and direction – it is a matter of what it means to be a good father, or how a man behaves and how a woman behaves, and so on.

To put it bluntly, the things we think of as “objective” really aren’t. Certain things are given objective status simply because everyone around us agrees that they have objective status. Nothing comes from an infallible fount of wisdom; everything we know, we know things because someone else told us – in the case of primary socialization, that someone is our parents. And the simple fact is, they could have just as easily socialized us in any number of ways. The reason they did as they did is simply because that was how they were socialized.

There are many different ways for parents to define reality to their children. What it means to be a man or a woman, for example, is a product of primary socialization and it differs greatly from culture to culture. In Western society, for instance, hand-holding has romantic and even sexual connotations in our society, and we learn these connotations during primary socialization. We also learn (generally speaking) that such romantic connections should not exist between two men. Therefore, it is culturally wrong for two men to hold hands in our society, unless of course they are lovers and are bold enough to show their affection in public. However, in other cultures, hand-holding is not a sign of romantic or sexual attraction, and while homosexuality might be generally socially condemned in that country just as it is in our own, two men holding hands doesn’t even get a second glance. Why? Because just in our society we “know” that hand-holding is a sign of romantic involvement, members of other cultures “know” that hand-holding is a symbol of intimacy and closeness but not sexuality. These two cultures might agree on the point that “men shouldn’t have sexual attractions for other men,” but still disagree on whether or not it is acceptable for me to hold hands as the stroll. Therefore, to be a man means slightly different things in these cultures.

Of course we can push this even further by pointing out that this notion of homosexuality being acceptable or not is something we learn during our primary socialization. From a biological point of view, the only drawback to homosexuality is its inability to produce offspring.[4] The fact that our culture defines reality in such a way that homosexuality is deemed offensive makes more of a statement about our culture than it does about homosexuality.

Not all of our knowledge comes from our parents and peers, though. Some of it comes from teachers, ministers, and counselors and constitutes secondary socialization. While similar in many ways to primary socialization, though, secondary socialization is much more fluid. Both teach us particular realities and provide knowledge about the world around us, but they do so in different ways and to different ends.

While the “knowledge” we learn during primary socialization is general – the taken-for-granted information that everyone in our culture accepts – what we learn in secondary socialization is much more specific. In addition, knowledge from secondary socialization tends to be less objective from a cultural point of view.

One of the things we learn in secondary socialization is how to perform the actions required of us by our jobs. If one is a chemist, these are the things one learned during many hours in the chemistry classroom and lab in college. If one is a garbage collector, these are the things one learned from the “old hands” at work. It doesn’t take long to realize that this knowledge is considered subjective. Not everyone agrees one the best way to keep warm while collecting garbage during the winter, and not everyone agrees on the best way to explain the behavior of certain chemicals under certain conditions. These are “matters of opinion,” we like to say.

It’s also clear from these examples that secondary socialization is much more specific – it is connected to roles that not everyone plays. Not everyone is a chemist, and so not everyone can even begin to explain why chemical x acts this way at time y. And since only a very few of us have collected garbage (in the summer or winter), we won’t all be able to keep warm simply because we’ve never been taught how.

Plausibility

Up to this point we have dealt with two kinds of knowledge – that which “everyone knows” (given to us through primary socialization) and that which a few people know (from secondary socialization). What both these kinds of knowledge have in common, though, is their source: they both come from other people. Other people not only are responsible for giving us knowledge; they are also responsible for making it possible to accept this knowledge as knowledge and not opinion. In short, the reason we can continue to believe most of the things we learned in primary socialization and secondary socialization is that people around us make us feel it is reasonable to believe. The fact that they believe something makes it easier for us to believe it; their belief in it makes the belief itself more plausible.

For example, the reason it is difficult in our modern Western society to hold that sticking pins in a doll will have an affect on a given person is in part because no one else believes it. If we do go around talking about voodoo dolls as if they were as effective as two aspirin, we would be labeled a lunatic, or at the very least, strangely out of touch with reality. If we were plopped down in the middle of a community where voodoo is plausible, we would have quite another situation on our hands. In fact, our insistence that voodoo is nothing but rubbish would have the same effect in this culture as our insistence on voodoo’s efficacy would have in our modern Western culture. In either case, we would constitute a cognitive minority – a group of people (or a single person in this case) who believe something radically different than what the majority of people believe.

If we are a cognitive minority, we have two alternatives. We can sell-out, so to say, and accept the definition of reality of the cognitive majority. If we decide not to sell out but to hold fast to the truth as we see it, we face an uphill battle. To everyone else’s “Yes!” we will always be saying, “No!” Everyone else’s black will be our white. To keep this up indefinitely will be exhausting unless we get some support. As long as someone else is saying, “That’s okay – I believe what you believe and I don’t think you’re a lunatic for doing so,” it will be more bearable to be the cognitive minority. What will happen, then, is we will find that we spend more time with those who believe as we do (after all, we can relax and stop justifying our beliefs to them) than with those who think we’re somewhat off our rockers for our crazy views. Put differently, we eventually will create for ourselves a community that serves to make the reality we take for granted seem more plausible. In doing so, we will implement what sociologists refer to as plausibility structures.

Plausibility structures help determine what is believable and what is not. The more support an idea gets from those around us, the easier it is to believe. In yet simpler terms, it is easier to be a Catholic in Rome than in Mecca. Peter Berger expresses it thus: “The strength of [an idea’s plausibility], ranging from unquestioned certitude through firm probability to mere opinion, will be directly dependent upon the strength of the supporting structure” (A Rumor of Angels, 40).

It is now time to return to John Bowers’ comment, “To be a member of an unpopular religious cult, such as the Worldwide Church of God, is to live in fear.” This really is an empty statement because we all live in a certain fear that the world constructed around us – the world into which we have been socialized and accept as “normal” – will turn out to be contrary to fact. A lie, to be blunt. To return to an earlier image, we’re always a little worried when we sit down at the table that those around us will begin slurping their soup as if it’s just the most natural thing in the world to do.[5]

We have all sorts of mechanisms – from psychotherapy to Mass – that ensure that we keep this fear under control, so much so that it’s almost unconscious. If it were not for these mechanisms, in fact, we would be unable to operate “normally” in our daily lives. Indeed, it is rare that someone is so overcome with the fear that the world she sees around her is somehow “wrong.” Such individuals are usually considered prime candidates for a psychiatrist’s couch – or, if radically different enough, for a straight jacket. This is because we’ve been “shown” (i.e., taught) – and we’ve accepted – the world around us as somehow corresponding to some normative “truth,” and the fact that everyone else around us behaves as if it’s true reassures us. Cars stop at red lights because we drivers have agreed to halt our cars at red lights and because it was somehow ordained at the beginning of time that such should be the case. People don’t slurp their soup because that’s how it’s always been done and it was ordained from the beginning that such should be the case. Or so it feels to us on a normal, everyday basis.

So to a degree, I take issue with Bower’s statement. We’re all a little frightened that what we believe to be reality is not reality. Proof of this is easily found in that disturbing limbo we inhabit immediately after waking up from a bizarre dream. For a moment the ontological status of the dream is unclear, and we’re just a little worried that the dream might be reality and vice versa. This last only for a few moments, however, and as the fog of sleep lifts, we see clearly that it was just a dream–and we are reassured.

Roles and Our Ever-Changing Biography

A convenient way to think about reality through the eyes of sociology is through roles. We all have particular roles we play, and each of these different roles – mother, lawyer, aunt, and sister – comes with built-in cultural expectations. A good aunt if is someone whose behavior conforms to the general cultural expectations of the role of “aunt.”

Some of the roles are defined by primary socialization, such as “mother” or “uncle” while others are delineated during secondary socialization, such as “professor” or “colonel.” Generally these roles coexist rather peacefully so that we have an “office self” that is not radically different from our “home self.” If there is a great deal of difference between these two roles, though, one or the other will have to give. Which one actually does give will depend on which one is more important, which in turn depends on any number of cultural and personal factors. To add to the confusion, a choice we make today to subsume a professional role (perhaps “lawyer”) to a personal role (maybe “mother”) because family life is deteriorating might have been drastically different five years ago when, say, there was rumors that one might be promoted to partner in the law firm.

Peter Berger points out one intriguing aspect of all this role-playing that makes up our lives: our biographies are in fact largely influenced by the various roles we play in our lives. Berger discusses this at length in Invitation to Sociology and it will be helpful here to outline his ideas in this regard.

Most of us like to think that the act of writing our autobiographies would be a fairly simple act. After all, we would simply need to record in chronological fashion a description of what we did in our lives. I was born on this date; I went to this school; I married this person; I had these children; I worked at these places. Yet we obviously can’t include everything in our autobiography, else it would be thousands of pages long. Therefore we have to select some things to include and others to leave out. How do we do this? Simple – it depends on what is important to us at the time of our writing. But here is the interesting catch: were we to write this at a different time – earlier or later – different parts of our lives would stand out as more important than they would now. More abstractly, our autobiography is an interpretation of our lives, not purely a description. What we see as important in our past depends on what is important in our present. Not only that, but we can re-interpret portions of our lives, giving them drastically different meanings than whatever meaning we attached to the moment as we were living it, or at some other point in our lives.

For example, imagine a woman who, after attending rallies and reading books, becomes a Communist. Her life to that point will need to be re-interpreted. What was once a happy, fiscally secure middle-class life will be viewed as an empty, bourgeois false consciousness. A Catholic convert might come to see a series of personal misfortunes as events God was using to bring him into the Mother Church.

It becomes clear, then, that such biographical reinterpretation is critical when one role conflicts with an earlier role. Some kind of explanation must be provided as to how the same individual could have been two seemingly different people, ideologically speaking. To do this, we reinterpret our biography.

Religion and Conversion

One of the most significant acts of secondary socialization is religious conversion. When one converts from one religion to another, it means altering how one defines reality, and very often, accepting one set of religious beliefs involves denying the set of religious beliefs we received from our parents. This type of secondary socialization can be more radical than any another because it often involves drastic changes in how we live our lives, how we explain the world around us, how we interpret our past, and so on.

In a sense, religious conversion is similar to primary socialization. Indeed, one might say it is a second primary socialization since “true” religious conversion results in a complete change of one’s course of life.[6] The primary difference is that this “second” primary socialization within religious conversion does not create a reality ex nihilo (“from nothing”) as one’s true primary socialization did many years earlier. We are not learning and interpreting reality; we are re-learning and re-interpreting reality.

Since it doesn’t create reality ex nihilo necessitates, conversion is one of the biggest stimuli for reconstituting one’s personal biography. That which transpired before conversion must be re-interpreted in order to maintain consistency with one’s current standards.

Frequently this includes the retrojection into the past of present interpretative schemas (the formula for this being, “I already knew then, though in an unclear manner . . .”) and motives that were not present in the past but that are now necessary for the reinterpretation of what took place then (the formula being, “I really did this because . . .”).[7]

This “then-and-now” biography creates a certain internal “us-them” mentality. “Before conversion, I was among the blind; now I can see.” One is no longer among “them,” the blind. Instead, one is among “us,” the enlightened.

Additionally, the conflicts that can arise between our pre-conversional selves and our post-conversional selves are not always easily resolved, and they can sometimes be destructive to relationships of our life that no longer conform to our new definition of reality. This radical new view of one’s past can, of course, necessitate a distance between the friends of the “former me” and the “new me.” This reality-twisting that we engage in when converting necessitates relationship-twisting that some relationships cannot bear. Something will have to give –our new interpretation of reality, our relationship, or both.

Sociology of Religion and the Churches of God

When we put all this together and use it as a tool of examination for the various Churches of God[8] it all seems to make sense – the distancing from non-members, the rigid instance on doctrinal purity and complete acquiescence, the virtual impossibility of assenter/dissenter friendships, etc. Indeed, one gets the uncanny feeling that authors writing general descriptions of sociology of knowledge and religion used the Churches of God as a model. And in fact, sociologists did just that, for the WCG and its sister churches are textbook examples (sometimes literally) of the processes described above.

To begin with, until the recent changes, members of the WCG had been a cognitive minority in the religious community in particular and in society in general. This was certainly not something the leadership and members of the WCG tried to deny. The knowledge Herbert Armstrong shared was special – esoteric knowledge available only to the select few that God has called out. It was not a source of shame. Indeed, the “cult” badge was worn with pride for many years, and still is by various splinter groups.

Armstrong would not even deny that the fact that WCG members constitute a cognitive minority was the reason it formed such a tight community in the local churches. The theological reasoning was simple: don’t be unequally yoked with nonbelievers.[9] The sociological reason for this, though, should now be obvious: since it’s easier to believe something when all your friends and acquaintances believe the same thing, it’s best to stay among one’s own kind. They back you up; they make belief in something plausible.

Herbert Armstrong certainly realized the importance of creating strong plausibility structures (though he never would have used such a term) and in essence, he created an alternative universe within the WCG. Armstrong’s WCG had its separate rules, regulations, and definitions of reality, and the individual churches served to provide social support for believers in time of “doubt.” This is not to say that WCG leaders or congregations nurtured people who had doubts, helping them find resolution to various problems. In fact, they often did quite the opposite and criticized fellow believers for their lack of faith. Instead what I am talking about here is plausibility support for a cognitive minority that the cognitive majority could describe as bizarre. Local congregations provided a community that made it easier to hold these beliefs that flew in the face of most other Christian theologies. Spouting off about the Great Tribulation on any street corner will immediately get one labeled, “Lunatic.” Doing so in the local COG congregation might possibly earn a promotion to deacon.

Sociology also helps explain why it was necessary to quarantine prospective members instead of inviting them to Sabbath services the next Saturday. Perspective members still hadn’t redefined their pre-Armstrongian biography and their new WCG socialization process had only begun. They still had in their heads alternative, “heretical” definitions of reality, and introduction of such an unsocialized element into the local congregation could lead others to adopt these heretical points of view.[10] More succinctly, the new member might re-socialize an established member or two if things are not handled carefully.[11]

It is clear now why Mr. Armstrong taught that sociology (among other “worldly” sciences) was to be avoided. When someone can explain anything from a non-theological point of view, it threatens the authority of those who explain the same thing from a theological point of view. Mr. Armstrong taught members to avoid close contact with people of “the world” because they were just that – the world, deceived by Satan and inherently dangerous from an ideological perspective. Members were called out, set apart, different in every way. This is the theological explanation. The sociological explanation is simply that associating with “the world” would tend to weaken rather than to support WCG members’ beliefs and the authority of Mr. Armstrong by providing alternatives to his explanations. Reading and studying sociology shows Armstrongian reality to be one of several alternative worldviews, and in such a fundamentalist sect such as the WCG, choice – heresy – is a dangerous thing. It also explains the mechanisms by which Armstrong tried to bracket out competing realities. It showed the man behind the curtain.  Again, not a good thing for a fundamentalist sect such as the WCG.

Armstrong and the other leaders of the WCG were of course aware of the various alternative definitions of reality swirling about outside the WCG, but in a sense they had nothing to worry about because they had mechanisms already in place to deal with them. Just as our father in an earlier example “nihiliated”[12] the punks’ worldview with the single word, “Freak,” so Armstrong nihiliated competing worldviews with a single word: Satan. The notion of worldwide satanic deception was convenient for two reasons. First, a different solution does not have to be proposed for each problematic worldview. All can be subsumed under the simple heading of “satanic deception.” Hinduism, Catholicism, Buddhism, Protestantism,[13] and even atheism all have the same flaw: Satan. Second, it helped highlight the lack of satanic deception in the WCG. In strengthened the us-them mentality by simultaneously pointing out their error and WCG’s correctness.[14]

The reinterpretation of one’s pre-conversional biography within the WCG also provided a nice way of setting members apart from the rest of the world, reinforcing the “us-them” mentality. “I was deceivedas the rest of the world is now!” And as pointed out earlier, this tends to force one to internalize the “us-them” view. In addition, the Armstrongian sorteriology provided a strong “us-them” mentality, with WCG members destined to be the leaders while the deceived world were to be subjects.

Whether or not Herbert Armstrong deliberately planned all of this is open to debate, but I for one think it is highly doubtful. While such a book could be written, there does not exist (to my knowledge) a monograph entitled How to Start a Sect.[15] Even to say that Armstrong envisioned a church approaching the scope of the WCG at its height seems to credit Armstrong with much more cunning than he actually possessed. It was all, to some degree, an accident. Armstrong was at the cliché right place at the right time with the right message that appealed to certain people. Once he gained a small following, the process of institutionalization followed its somewhat natural course and a sect formed.[16]

The Split

As the WCG’s initially slight theological changes became more pronounced in the late 1980s and the early 90s, the resulting splintering was hardly avoidable. There was initially an attempt to keep everyone together with assurances that “we can all live together in peace even if we have slightly different theological views.”[17] But as the scope of the changes broadened, expanding beyond make-up and healing, this became increasingly unrealistic for a simple reason: the local church communities, which, once united in a common belief, had served as plausibility structures, no longer provided this sociological necessity for everyone. People became “unequally yoked.”

Not only did individuals’ worldviews cease to support each other but as the changes dug deeper into the fundamentals of Armstrongian theology, individuals’ worldviews began to contradict each other. No institution can survive very long when members hold conflicting views, and so the divisions became not only theologically but also sociologically and psychologically necessary.

This is also the reason assenters and dissenters are hard-pressed to sustain meaningful relationships – their definitions of reality challenge each other. To remain in contact with those who no longer share the same beliefs would produce threats to one’s own worldview. Those for whom common religious beliefs were the defining aspect of their relationship could not long remain close friends with those who no longer share the common beliefs because of a lack of mutual support. If, however, there were other bonds in the relationship – either familial bonds, or perhaps even a strong personal friendship – the relationship might continue, but it’s doubtful that religion will be a frequent topic of conversation.

The Current, Post-Armstrongian WCG Reality

Where does all this leave the WCG today, almost fifteen years after Herbert Armstrong’s death? The future of this church is now questionable and those who were unable to acquiesce to the new teachings (the dissenters, as I originally named them) have formed many churches, which have themselves split (sometimes many times over). Armstrong’s once-great empire is now a fragmented mass of various churches with significant numbers attending no church at all. What are the implications of all this?

Both assenters and dissenters have had to re-think their definitions of reality. No one predicted such a cataclysmic event as what happened in the late 80s and early 90s. No one was prepared, ideologically speaking. Suddenly, a huge event had to be explained from worldviews that were not equipped to do so. An Armstrongian worldview could explain lots of things – why everyone looks at you like a freak when you talk about the Place of Safety, why Europe was moving toward increasing unity – but it couldn’t explain this. It couldn’t make sense of how so many people could turn their backs on the truth delivered through Mr. Armstrong; or, conversely, how so many people could fail to see the mistakes in Armstrong’s theology once they had been pointed out and prayerfully studied.

For each group this had somewhat different consequences. The dissenters had to come up with a way of explaining how God could allow so many “true Christians” to be deceived. Gerald Flurry, of the Philadelphia Church of God (PCG), uses 2 Thessalonians 2.10—11[18] as an explanation, explaining that God is separating the true Christian minority from the deceived WCG majority by sending a "strong delusion."[19] Other splinter groups explain it in a variety of ways, but most of them deal involve the idea of Satanic deception in one way or another. From the point of view of the dissenters, the assenters have now joined the ranks of the “deceived,” and as such the assenters’ new worldviews have long been nihiliated.

In a way, the predicament of the assenters is more interesting. To some degree those who accepted the new teachings have had to go through yet another socialization process when they came to accept once again the ideas they’d rejected upon conversion to Armstrongian theology. When they joined the WCG, they had to re-evaluate many of the simple facts of their lives, like what it means to be a Christian, what humanity’s potential and destiny are, etc. They had to reject “the world’s ideas” and accept Armstrong’s ideas. Once the changes were made, they essentially rejected Armstrong’s ideas and returned to “the world’s ideas.”

Not only that, but the assenters had to reformulate their worldviews in such a way that could account for the massive number of people who abandoned Armstrong’s teachings. This could be a particularly traumatic experience for some if they come to the conclusion that the reason their friends went with one of the other Churches of God was because their friends were (and are) still in the grip of cultic control. And that, by default, means they themselves were “in the grip of cultic control” – not something one likes to admit to oneself. Such a drastic explanation is not inevitable, though. Another possibility is to say that those who remain with Armstrongian Churches of God do so because they fulfill some basic need in their lives – a need they themselves once fulfilled with Armstrongian theology but now fill with “the grace of Christ.”

Whatever the explanation, one thing is certain – all involved must make some attempt to explain how such drastic changes occurred and further, to explain why John Doe assented to the changes while Susan Jones didn’t. Not to do so would be to leave a huge section of one’s life an enormous question mark – and that’s something very few people can live with.

Notes


[1] I do not mean “dissenter” to be a pejorative word, certainly not in the sense that it was used in the WCG (and is still used in other organizations) as grounds for disfellowshipment. Additionally, I am not implying that they are dissenting from a universal norm. In as much as the WCG’s doctrinal authority was once the norm for them, they are “dissenters.” Still, I am hesitant to use these words for they create an unavoidable polarity that I would actually like to avoid. Indeed, it is simply a matter of perspective: The “dissenters” could have just as easily been called “assenters” since they continue to subscribe to and support Armstrongian theology.

Further, I do not wish to describe them as “Tkach-ites” and “Armstrong-ites” for several reasons. To begin with, it’s grammatically clumsy and it sounds ridiculous. More importantly, the term “Armstrongites” has already been used and it is always used in a pejorative manner, something I hope to avoid like the cliché plague in this essay.

[2] This is true even in ancient Egypt when the pharaoh married his own sister. The difference lies in how various cultures define incest. What is incest in our culture is not in others, and vice versa.

[3] This illustrates that one of the most important aspects of primary socialization and one of the most subjective is language. While it is a fascinating topic, it is not a diversion I will make in this essay.

[4] One might point to sexually transmitted diseases as an example of another biological drawback, but this argument is rendered ineffective by the fact that no sexually transmitted disease is transmitted exclusively through homosexual encounters. Thus sexually transmitted diseases might be seen as a biological drawback to promiscuity, whether homo- or heterosexual.

[5]The fact that it is not natural is because of our primary socialization. There are a great many things that we are socialized into believing are not “natural” when in fact “nature” tells us nothing about these things.

[6] The apostle Paul in the New Testament speaks of conversion in terms that underscore this: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways“ (1Cor 13.11).

[7] Peter Berger, The Social Construction of Reality, 160

[8] Worldwide, Philadelphia, International, Living, Global, United, etc.

[9] “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” King James Version - Armstrong’s preferred translation.

[10] It is useful to recall that “heresy” is derived from the Greek for “choice.”

[11] Gerald Flurry, leader of the Philadelphia Church of God, explains it thus: “God’s Church has the responsibility to PROTECT its members. WITH AN OPEN DOOR POLICY, THE WCG IS BEING DESTROYED SPIRITUALLY BY SATAN!” (Worldwide Church of God Doctrinal Changes and the Tragic Results, 74)

[12] The term is used in Peter Beger’s Invitation to Sociology.

[13] It has always amused me that Armstrong differentiated himself and his church from Protestants (using that term in a derogate fashion) while at the same time failing to realize that his church, by default, was itself Protestant. It was not Orthodox (Greek, Eastern, or Russian), Coptic, or Catholic, and the only other option (denominationally speaking) was Protestant.

[14] This simple dualistic view (us-them, Satan-vs-God, black-white) is common in fringe sects and fundamentalist denominations, and it serves as an easy way to deal with all competing worldviews. Not only did this dualism annihilate any possibility of an alternative reality having any validity, but it also strengthened the sense of inner-church community by fostering an “us-them” attitude.

[15] Some have labeled the WCG a “cult,” but from a sociological point of view, I would hold this is not quite correct. A cult by most sociological accounts is a new religion (such as UFO worship) whereas a sect is just a marginal interpretation of an established religion.

[16] For a more detailed discussion of the relationship between a charismatic leader and the subsequent formation of a religion, see Max Weber’s The Theory of Social and Economic Organization.

[17] I attended a WCG First Day of Unleavened Bread service in the early 90s at which the minister said, in effect, “If you think this is a holy and binding day, we welcome you. If you think this is not, we welcome you.” Such an attempt at tolerance was greeted with applause. Months later, though, the minister left the WCG for the United Church of God and many of the likeminded members, unable to survive in such a divided environment, followed.

[18] “And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie.” (The quote is from the King James Version, the preferred translation of the PCG.)

[19] This theological argument is questionable at best and creates certain negative connotations in the PCG explanation of God’s nature. For more on this see my “God as Represented in Malachi’s Message.”

Pros and Cons

I’m still thinking about going back to Lipnica. I can’t help it. Every day I think about it, and while it seems completely unrealistic in some ways, there are moments when I’m completely sure I’ll go back for at least class II’s final year (this year’s class II, which I guess is now class III).

C and I talked about my seeming depression the other evening. She said that I seem to have lost interest in almost everything. I never read, so I never have anything to talk about; I don’t write, so my thoughts don’t get developed as they used to be. That’s only a partial explanation, though. I didn’t tell her all the things that I keep thinking about. I didn’t tell her, “I’m thinking about going back to LW for one more year,” and that’s the simplest answer to the question of, “What’s wrong?”

The long answer to that question is much more convoluted. I’m depressed because on the one hand, I can only think of Lipnica and how much I want to go back, and on the other, I realize that I never will. I’m fighting that “never will” notion every day because I don’t want to resign myself to something I know I truly want, even if it’s only a portion of me that really wants this. The other layer to this is that I know I need to go out and do something to give myself some kind of fulfillment, but doing that, I’m afraid, will make me give up completely on the dream of going back to Lipnica. I want to give it up — I want to be content with where I am in my life now. But giving it up is the absolute last thing I want, at the same time.

I’m confusing two things: going back to Lipnica for a while, and going back to Lipnica for good. I seem to be equating the former with the latter, assuming that once I get back there, I won’t want to return, that I’ll want to stay there for good. But I don’t really know that. I might get there and realize that I really don’t belong there. I might get there and after a while absolutely hate it. But if I did that, at least I would come back here with that knowledge and I could remind myself every time I thought about Lipnica, “I did try to go back for a while and I didn’t like it.” I can imagine C responding to that by reminding me how much I hated it when I was there last time — at the end, from time to time, anyway. But that is completely different. I thought then that I wanted to come back to the States and get a doctorate in philosophy of religion. I’ve now dropped out of grad school, and I realize that what I want to do now — at this moment — is go back to Lipnica.

I guess I should talk to C about this. I don’t really know how to bring it up, though. “I’m thinking about living away from you for yet another year.” That’ll go over really well. And besides, to know really things would have to be somewhat flexible, I think. Coded talk for, “I’d want freedom to fuck around.” So how do I go about doing something like that? Bringing up such a topic? I’ve no idea.

  • I’ve got all these thoughts about what I’d do there, though:
  • riding my bike here and there (getting a road bike for really long Sunday rides);
  • cross-country skiing in the winter (learning how to first, of course);
  • visiting Charles (maybe riding my bike there) and helping him out in his garden/hard;
  • traveling around the country a bit;
  • Friday and Saturday nights with friends (though this would be somewhat limited, since almost no one would be living there).

In some ways, my reasons for going seem to be fewer than I might have expected. The other day (14 June) I made the following list while sitting at the Sullivan Square bus stop:

ForAgainst
Lack of ultimate job fulfillmentC
Not sure about whether I want to go to IndiaBullshit from other teachers
Desire for a family eventuallyCost
Really genuinely want toAdam
Best friends thereDanuta not there
Sense of continual adventureNot sure if my friends are staying

Always an outsider

Lack of ability to communicate

From that, it seems just about even. The “Really genuinely want to” entry is something of a cop-out, I guess. And at the same time, it’s the strongest reason why I should go, if I still feel this way. I wrote at the bottom of the entry, “I have to go back for a year. It’s the only way I can be sure.”

The real question — I just realized — is this: Is all this an effort to help myself decide whether I want to go back, or an attempt to justify what I’ve already decided to do? I don’t know.

I do know that I’ve been almost relieved sometimes when C and I are arguing because it seems to be “ammo.” I don’t know. I’m screwed.

Pride Parade

Lipnica Thoughts

I woke up thinking about — guess — Lipnica. More specifically — for a moment I was absolutely sure of one thing. “I must go back,” I thought. “The decision is made: I’ll go back for one year at least. I’ll go back, help Halina, Kasia, Krystyna, et. al. though their final year at the liceum. And if I like it, I’ll stay. Maybe sign a four or five year contract in exchange for paying off some portion of my student loan. Something like that.” I smacked the pillow beside me and said aloud, “I think the decision is made. I think I’ll go back.” And for a brief moment, it was as clear and simple as that.

I’m listening to The Ghost of Tom Joad and feeling something like the characters in those songs — someone who’s lost something. Someone adrift. “It’s just dry lightning. And you on my mind.” I don’t have a person on my mind — and that’s part of the problem — but instead I’ve got a place. No, that’s not right. I do have people on my mind. Students, friends — most of my friends, in fact.

After transcribing some of my “journal” from my LW trip into last month’s WP version, I’m now listening to Beethoven’s Pastorale Symphony — on of my favorites, of course. The problem is that even this brings comparison of life in LW to life here. This incredible symphony is accompanied by the sound of passing cars, trucks, and busses. Not exactly conducive to fully enjoying it. In LW the only interruptions I might have would come from someone upstairs — and even that wasn’t constant. The damn cars going by our apartment — and, living on the front side, there’s no place in the apartment to escape it — is a constant annoyance.

I remember sitting on the bed in LW just before going to sleep, and realizing that as I sat there I didn’t hear a single sound. Nothing.

I still hate it here. I still want to go back. And I think I will for the rest of my life.

Thoughts Back at Home

I’m back in America. I have been for almost a week now. And I feel awful. Just as I suspected/expected I would. Even “just as I feared I would.” “Tell me that it’s nobody’s fault, nobody’s fault but my own,” sings Beck now, and I guess that’s somewhat appropriate. I don’t know if “fault” is the best word choice, but all the same . . .

I feel like I have a huge choice to make in about six months or so: stay or go. The implications are huge. I want to go back to Lipnica so badly it’s killing me — paralyzing me with depression sometimes. Yesterday I just lay on the couch, thinking, “I have to go back, and yet I can’t go back.”

Let’s way the pros and cons again, beginning with what I wrote some days ago — about a week ago, flying home:

As I write all that stuff, I think, “Now, most of these things aren’t really problems if I’m honest.” There’s plenty of people I have there, and the fact that the disco is now at Quattro (which is primarily a bar) seems to show how silly my worries were. My life there would be just what I want it to be. It’s simple: I work my ass off and become as nearly fluent in Polish as I can possibly be (barring grammatical perfection, that is), and who’s to say what my limits are?

My life here could be just what I want it to be if I’m honest. I can make anything of my life I want to here in Boston. The thing is, I don’t really want to.

So what are my options? One option seems most promising: go back for one year to see. I don’t know that I can ever stop thinking, “I might have made a terrible mistake in leaving,” unless I go back for a while and test the hypothesis. At any rate, that’s what I want to do. The implications of that are fairly substantial, though. I could say to Chhavi, “It’s just for a year — I just have to see for myself if I made a mistake,” but the obvious correlative of that is, “. . . and if I decide I did make a mistake, I’ll want to stay there.” When I left for Lipnica sometime next year, it would be worse than the first time I left (by then it will/would have been five years ago).

And here’s the shock: four years ago I’d just finished my first day of training in Radom. It’s around 4:30 in Poland now — I’d be just about to finish the first day. Four years ago. Four years. That’s 1,460 days ago. A long damn time. No, quite the opposite. Four years is almost nothing. Two years is nothing. I guess it’s true what they say about time going faster the older you get.

What I don’t want is to realize that I’ve been back from Poland for four years and think, “I’ve done nothing important with my life in that time.” I don’t want to think at the age of sixty, “I wasted my life, by and large.” And that’s exactly what I’m afraid will happen — unless I go back. I keep treating that as if it’s my only option, and it really isn’t. But it’s the only one I’m aware of; it’s the one I feel is sure to bring me happiness and fulfillment.

Two quotes — from the same song — seem particularly relevant now:

The nearer your destination,
the more you’re slip slidin’ away. . . .
A bad day’s when I lie in bed
and think of things that might have been.

What makes all this so difficult is that I could talk to someone in Lipnica about my dilemma — Teresa Wojciak, for example — and she would simply reply, “So come back.” How I wish it were that easy! I would have talked to Jasiu about coming back for this coming school year. Can you imagine the reaction of the students?!

Back to Boston

12:40 p.m. Okęcie Airport

I feel almost as empty now as a year ago. The only difference is that I know what awaits me. Otherwise, it’s as if I’ve stepped into some kind of time machine: I’m traveling alone; my thoughts are filled with images and faces of Lipnica; I sit wondering whether I’m doing the right thing in leaving; and I feel generally shitty about what awaits me, as compared to what I’m leaving behind.

What I dread most is going into work tomorrow morning. For a week I’ve been having the same conversation: “I really would like to come back, in fact.” To which Mary, Anna P., Benia, Teresa, i.t.d. respond, “So, come back.” “It’s not so easy,” I say, and I wonder — maybe it is so easy — maybe it’s nearly impossible.

I just feel basically trapped.

On the plane now, wondering more intensely than ever, “Should I be here? Now?” And the opposing question: “What would I be accomplishing if I weren’t here?” Teaching some lesson, I guess. Feeling a little better than I am now.

Sunday —

  • Woke up at 9:30 after 6 hrs of sleep
  • Helped with lunch — barszcz z uszkami
  • Met with Edyta — 1 hour and said bye
  • Went to bistro for ice cream and last words to Agnieszka
  • Met with Danuta; no tears this time
  • Rode with Kinga (around 7:30) to Murowanice to see Mary; forgot about her oral FC
  • Rode on to the lake for a while
  • Visited Benia: “You have a guest” as I approached; short conversation, think her sister Kamila offered to stay in the room with us; Kinga came up, talked with Benia for a while, including, “I hate English”; “No good at foreign languages in general.”

Last night in Quattro

  • Short talk with Benia, Mary, and Teresa
  • Conversation with Janusz’s friend [Marion]: would like to speak English as well as you speak Polish
  • Conversation with Kinga — you think like a woman
  • Talk with Kinga about waking up in someone’s arms
  • One hour of sleep before I left

The farther I get from LW — both in distance and time — the less realistic my thoughts of returning. As much as I want it, it will never happen. Once again, the farther I get from LW, the less realistic it seems. I was there only a few hours ago, and it might as well have been years ago.

I have this unrealistic hope that I’ll be getting more letters from various folks: Anna P., Kasia M., Marcela J., Kasia (IIB), Agnieszka Kubacka. And while part of me is of course hopeful, I can’t help but think it’s the exact same hope that’s been making me sprint to the mailbox every day for the last year.

Why exactly is it unrealistic that I’ll ever go back for good? First — it’s a simple matter of one person — C. She has no intention of going back — no desire. And even if she were willing, I'm not sure it would be quite the same. What I’m thinking of is a total immersion in the culture, which, as things stand, is impossible for Chhavi. And that emersion in culture that I want is total. Being with Chhavi would create an us-them division that would be all but impossible to overcome.

Second, there’s the ever-nagging worry that the life I’m looking for has disappeared. Enough of all that.

Third, I owe $10,000 for my student loan. I could never pay that off making the little amount I would. This seems to be less of a problem if I could just work a bit extra and pay it off now while I still have such a good job.

Fourth: A. I refuse to deal with that dork. Of course, that too seems to be less of a problem. I could just tell Jasiu, “I won’t come back there if he’s teaching at the liceum.”

Fifth there seems to be some kind of barrier that I would never be able to cross. I would always be something of an outsider.

All in all, I think what I’d be looking for is some kind of idealized life there that is unattainable. This desire to return is based on an exceptional week which would be impossible to sustain for very long. The new-ness would wear off for all involved, I think. Everyone wants me to come back to teach because they have Bucky as a comparison. That won’t always be the case, obviously enough.

Another factor: I’m growing ever older. I couldn’t continue living the life I had. A few years at most. A 40-year-old hanging out at the disco seems a little stupid. If I’m honest, I also have to admit that a ot of my social fulfillment came from friendships with students. There were few “adults” I was really good friends with. (And yet I think, weren’t there enough? Ramzes, Agata, Kamil, Kinga, Piotrek, itd.)

It’s all just a silly dream.

More Reviews

Review

  • Friday night:
  • Mary and her “boy”
  • Talked to Iwona’s sister Agnieszka
  • Stupidity with Edyta — about Mary and so on
  • Camera worries
  • Danny’s adventures
  • Sprite and wódka
  • Benia
  • Not always happy
  • Boys to bed
  • Talking like old friends
  • “You can go — I want to talk to Gary, please leave.”
  • [Sat with Halina for a while, speaking Polish at her request]

Saturday

  • More stuff with Edyta
  • Watering flowers, chatting with Mamo
  • Meeting Monika Styla — works at the Haven
  • Talked a little to Agnieszka Kubacka
  • Żurek — “children”
  • Anna P.
  • Trouble with “boyfriend”
  • [Walked home
  • “You are a good friend”]
  • Visit with Ramzes, Agata, and Adam

“Plan maximum” — every moment of every day should be put to use. For a week now I’ve been trying to do that. I want to go visit someone (anyone — but some in particular) then go on to the next person, and the next, and so on. Of course they’re almost all girls, my students of old. Almost all of them I’ve already seen once or twice. I feel that all this week friendships have only begun showing their true potential and now I see how they can be, so I want to develop them. Beina, for example, could be a great friend, and it’s sad to realize that and then leave once again. Sad and a little stupid.

I really feel I almost belong here. Yet being here as a visitor and as an inhabitant — two different things.

Monday Morning
2:45 a.m.Lipnica Wielka

I will be leaving — again — in about an hour. I don’t want to sleep, though I should.

I’m so sad. I feel empty. I want a life I can never have. It exists now, but it will fade as the sun rises. I want never to leave, and I want never to return. I want a life filled with moments like my first meeting with Danuta, or teaching IIB, or walking with Benia, or chatting with Kamil on the balcony. “I try to tell myself to hold on to these moments while they last.” But the attempt to suck the marrow from life often turns into desparation. And that’s how I feel now. I’m grasping for a life that doesn’t exist. It existed for three years, was resurrected for a week, and will die again in about two hours.

I feel so empty. And homeless.

Review of Busy Week

Lots of review

Wednesday:

  • Kinga and I walking; Marcela’s grave; the whole story as to what happened
  • Sunny day — didn’t want to leave
  • To Nowy Targ at 7:30; pool, hambuger, beer, cigars; return home for beer, chili, cribbage, and annoyed words from Malgorzata

Thursday

  • Left for Kraków after checking email and hot shower (no hot water at Mastelas’ in the morning); slept on bus
  • Met with Edtya — sat on rynek talking
  • Met with Kinga — went to Jewish quarter and Singer bar
  • Back to LW on 6:20 private bus — slept
  • Quattro last night — talked to Kinga about why she likes LW; why I want to return and why I can’t; same conversations 3 times
  • Talked to Teresa Wojciak at Quattro for a while; found out Mary got a 6 for English matura

More Bullets, More Conversations

  • No class but spoke to IIC for a while; will teach tomorrow
  • Matura
  • Sylwu = 2; all but one wrong
  • Teresa W. = 6; told me many times in Quattro that she wanted a 6
  • Lidka = 5
  • Bogusia = 3
  • Marek = 3
  • Before matura talked to Lidka, Bogusia, and Marek about present perfect
  • At Bistro I talked with Maria Kuliga, Beata G., and some from IIA about life, Bucky (“He doesn’t explain anything,” they said) and whether I’m coming back to teach (“No!?) Czemu?”); they — Polish, I — English
  • Last night playing “soccer” in Quattro
  • Conversation with Kamil — told him about Beata and ties and “Keep people out”; wanting Iwona (“Why didn’t you make a move?”)
  • Conversation with Magda today
  • Visiting Greg “Fly”

These crazy thoughts — work for a while, then come back here for another long stay. What stupidity. And what makes me think it’s even vaguely possible? Yet it seems completely desirable and reasonable. I come back, begin visiting Mary a lot, then out of the blue, while we are on a walk somewhere . . .

Comparative/Superlative in Review

  • Names
  • Show and talk about ads — what are they trying to do?
  • Discect one ad together
  • Uses comparative and superalative; review
  • Long word
  • Short word
  • 2 syllables clever quiet narrow
    • ing (Boring) / — ed (more and why)
  • In groups of 3/4 brainstorm some adj and at least one new one; some on the board; quick drill
  • Hand out assignments for adds; five minutes @ end to share with others
  • Herbata Zielona Peach flavor in NT health shop
  • Meet with Halina
  • Give Alina a note for Lucyna
  • Get in touch with Beata P.
  • See about visitng Mary
  • Get letters from classes

Back to My Students

  • Taught IIB/A — lots of smiles and laughter; Kaśka “super lesson”; couldn’t remember names “But I at least knew them . . .”; “I’m sorry you have such a bad English teacher”
  • Talked briefly to Halina — smiled the whole lesson
  • IIIA what you can do about the problem with Bucky
  • Józia — glad you’re finally happy; husband once jealous of me; son Kubu
  • Bus driver there
  • Last night at Quattro
  • Piotr and Roma — dziadek
  • Sylwia, Marta, and Robert
  • Cloves
  • “this is how my life could/should have been.”
  • Today at Agnieszka’s bistro; thought “Greatest thing = live my old life again for a few moments — accomplishing that2
  • Taught Kamil Macros and VBA
  • Franek: In Q? Pijemy!

Bullet Points about Return

Last night/yesterday

  • Adela’s face when she saw me
  • Mary’s reaction; our conversation about Polish guys; old fashioned
  • Conversation with Kasia (IIB): 3 things I tried to do with/show students.
  • Iwona S: “I came to see you.”
  • Tom Pn. and Monika
  • Jola’s daughter
  • Lucyna in police station in Jablonka
  • Meeting Adam; “Want to talk when we’re sober . . .”
  • Meeting with Kinga
  • Abdul: imperialist ass; conversation about being 25 and in university
  • Saw Halina, Monika Karlak, Teresa Bialon, and her friend Monika W.
  • Couldn’t sleep for thinking about conversations; crazy thoughts about returning and Mary

Today

  • Meeting with Danuta
  • What she’s doing
  • Postcards and current silence
  • Ania M., and Jadzia
  • Learned how to be non-Polish teacher from me
  • What Pawel M. said about my lessons vs. Bucky’s (Buckyego)
  • On the bus and see Marcel and Marysia; their shock; then Krysztyna and her tears
  • Visit to Dominika
  • Trip to Beata Plotek’s
  • Edyta’s phone call

I feel like I’m in heaven; everyone is so thrilled to see me. Mamo at ognisko — embarrassing but touching. I have never felt so wanted and loved as I have these past days. This week will prove to be, I think, the single greatest of my life. In some ways, better than my time here.

“Don’t think; feel it.”

List Journal

I’m here. So strange. Now begins my experiment in journaling: the list —

  • Time with Charles
  • “What’s new in LW?” “You’re about to see . . .”
  • Service station: what shit!
  • Conversation — Tomek’s confirmation and confession
  • Today — first to speak = Dominika’s mom; I felt very distracted
  • Andrzej (priest) — slams into reverse to talk to me
  • ____’s mother (the crying janitor) and a short conversation

First Day Back

I’m finally here — and I feel like I never left. Except for a Marks and Spencer in front of the Pałac Kultura i Nauki, nothing much has changed. On, and the cheesy PKP picture gallery has been replaced by still other shops. Otherwise, it’s all the same.

I feel I’m back after only a small break at most. As I was walking along the peron, I had a memory of stepping off a train here, in sektor 1, where it’s not so open or spacious. I remember stepping off into that constant florescent dimness that is Warszawa Centralna at all hours of the day — early morning, though — I think it’s a memory of arriving on the all-nighter from NT to deal with all that visa nonsense.

It seems somehow different to be here as a visitor — a tourist, even — as opposed to being an inhabitant. A temporary inhabitant, but a resident all the same. Now I’m not struggling to keep my sanity in a long journey home; I have no home here . . . I’m a visitor. First time in Poland as such.

First Return

7:30 p.m. EDT JFK NYC

The first leg of my return to Poland was painless enough. In fact, I left Logan about an hour earlier than expected. But here we sit, aboard a LOT 767 waiting for “meterological conditions” to ease so we can leave. I hope it won’t be a repeat of my first trip to Poland — five hours on the tarmack at Dulles.

It’s the strangest thing to hear Polish all around me again. It takes only a moment for old habits to return: I’m able to sink into that strange linguistic isolation to which I’d become so accustomed in Poland. Yet beside me sits a very pleasant woman — probably in her 50’s or 60’s — and I’m trying (or have been, from time to time) to have something of a conversation with her. Still, it’ll be a long time before i’m vaguely comfortable speaking Polish — it probably won’t happen during this trip.

Of course it’s different to believe the day of my departure is here — the exact moment seems somewhat vague, but nonetheless, Thursday 18 May has arrived. And I sit, stranded in a storm, dreaming of a small village in Poland.

I’ve come to realize I have a few habits when it comes to international trips: I pack to the accompaniment of Taproot; I buy a new journal; I end up writing in it while stranded somewhere. And, when Poland is involved in anyway whatsoever, I always find myself in the company of a drunkard — or several.

There are other things connected to Poland as well. Always a bit of chaos; always some kind of delay.

And so I’ve slipped into yet another habit: criticizing Poland. I must not do that — I must “hold on to these moments as they pass.” Yet some moments are more conducive to holding on to than others — for example, waiting to leave, waiting to initiate the last major portion of a long-awaited return to Polska. And of course I brought nothing to read . . . even for Danuta. What a dork.

8:40 p.m. EDT

Still waiting. We might be lucky enough to take off three hours late. I wouldn’t count on it, though.

I received a letter from Kaśka (Ia, last year) in which she shared her opinion of Adam. He is so boring, she said, beginning each lesson the same way: “Please open your books to page . . .” “I hope Adam won’t learn (sic) us yest year,” she wrote — saying a lot about this loser — whom I will meet shortly. I really don’t know how I feel about this — meeting someone for whom I already have no respect whatsoever. I’ll really have to bite my tongue, I think. Maybe he won’t show his face too much.

I’m wondering if Iwona will be there. She might have moved back to LW for a while, though I really doubt it. I don’t think it would upset me too much if she weren’t there at all — we haven’t exactly kept in touch with each other. I think I’ve received three letters from her, maybe only two. I’ve certainly not written more than that — we’re even, I guess. But if she is there — will cliche sparks fly? I doubt it.

I seem to have this notion — unspoken and even unacknowledged — that nothing has really changed since I left almost a year ago. As soon as I arrive in centrum, though, I’ll see the stupidity of such thoughts: a new school, a new bar, maybe even something else new. People of course will have changed as much as — no, more than — the physical surroundings. I hope I’m not setting myself up for something that is no longer really there. I’m not even sure what I’m expecting, except a warm welcome. But whether it is legitimate to think of this as a sort of homecoming or not — that is another issue altogether.

I just had a chance for a Zywiec — yet I passed it up. I’m waiting to be in the company of friends.

If we ever depart, that is. We’re already two and a half hours behind schedule. I’ve no idea how this will affect my arrival time in NT or LW.

Almost Returning

An awful start to a month that will turn out to be one of the most eventful of my life. Though I had no idea at the beginning of the month — or even the last journal entry — I’ll be leaving for Poland in three days! It’s difficult to believe, but I’m leaving for Poland this Thursday.

This evening I read some of my journal entries from my last days in Lipnica. There are so many people that I want to see, to talk to — will I be able is another story. At any rate, the thought of going back and being among some of the people who were so very important to me during the most formative period of my life — it’s difficult to describe how I feel about it, but I feel equally at peace and anxious about it, often experiencing both at the same moment.

Because of that, I won’t be writing much more than ten pages this month, if I’m lucky. I’m not planning on keeping much more than a rough outline of my days there. Every night (or morning) I hope to jot down a few lines about what happened since the last time I wrote something and then flesh it out when I get back. I’ve bought a new, small notebook for that purpose. Zobaczymy.

“I try to tell myself to hold to these moments as they pass.” Those words have haunted me since I’ve returned, and I’m determined that for the time I’m in Poland I will make the most of every single moment. I don’t know how much I’ll sleep — I”m hoping not much; I don’t know how much time I’ll spend sitting around doing nothing — I’m noping, not much. I want every moment to be something to cherish; and I want to be aggressive enough in initiating visits that that’s the case. I want to hunt down Józia and talk to her; I want to go see Anna P. if she’s not at the disco; I want to drop in on people without worries. I’m going to do it if I can. I’m going to walk across the street to Agnieszka Kubacka’s house and find out where she is and whether I can get a phone number to contact her, and the same for Maggy. I’m not going to have a single moment of regret while I’m there; no wasted time whatsoever. It’s completely unacceptable.